again warning, this chapter has darker themes involving violence, self harm and substance abuse, do not read if you feel uncomfortable.

*Sawyer*

There is a exactly one oras break between my morning lectures and my susunod one, as I race towards the jeep I don't have time to think about who I might see at home. I slept the grand total of zero segundos last night and its now coming back to bite me, I piss my lecturers off enough without adding falling asleep in class to the listahan of my crimes.

Though I have a pretty fucking good excuse to be distracted today, after all it's not the norm to have everything you believed turned upside down. A million emotions have haunted me since overhearing my parents, and sure I am angry, I could probably kill a few people now but mostly I feel heartbroken.

What a waste, what a fucking waste. That's what I want to shout, that is what I blame my father for. I blame him, as I blamed her for so many years, because I missed out on so many years because of a lie. Not a lie perse, a misunderstanding. A bloody misunderstanding! I pushed Mom away because I believed she no longer wanted me, because I thought she couldn't pag-ibig me like she loved her real children. And all this time… all this time she'd been fighting for me and I hadn't even known it.

I remember it like it was yesterday, the pain of being separated from them, while for three months Dad and I lived from motel to motel. Not one single phone call, not one single word, for three months. At first I waited, always waiting, every car that drove up I expected to be hers and then was disappointed when it wasn't, I stayed up late that first week thinking she would call to say goodnight yet Dad's phone remained silent and never rung. Now I can look back and wonder if he'd just switched it off or put it on silent, now looking back I realise that he could have easily been avoiding her instead of the other way.

sa pamamagitan ng the end of those three months I stopped expecting anything, I stopped waiting and told myself I didn't care, I told myself if I wasn't her daughter then she wasn't my mother. I didn't have to listen to her; I didn't have to pag-ibig her.

What I remember the most though is the look on her face when Dad finally took me home, how stilted she was, how afraid, I thought she was being cold, was she nervous instead, is my memory distorted because I believed in the wrong foundation? But I remember that look, the look I'll never forget, when she so gently took me in her arms and welcomed me home, when I had moved away from her touch and gave an offhand "thanks, Brooke" before going to my room and slamming the door behind me. When I had called her Brooke she'd flinched, as if I had taken hold of a kutsilyo and plunged it into her chest and twisted it for good measure. The sick thing is I had been happy with that flinch and I had continued to call her Brooke to her face long after she stopped flinching at the name.

That twisted logic. That twisted turn of events, how one simple change of facts changes everything. Years of bitterness because I though she rejected me when all along it's been me rejecting her.

When I see Brooke's car parked in the driveway I'm both happy and nervous, then slowly the fear breaks in. I'm not ready, I am nowhere near ready to face her, if I do I may just fall into her arms and cry and I refuse to let people see me like that, let alone her. So to avoid the possible run in I drive a few houses down and park my car, with years of experience of sneaking sa pamamagitan ng the front of the house I make my way to the garahe and the stairs that lead up to my loft.

Why is Mom even home, she should be with Keith at the hospital, and when she's not looking after Keith she's working, when those two options are out she's doing something else… saving the world or some shit. You never know with her.

With kamakailan events I was certain Mom would be with Keith, yet here she is at home… why? Is she waiting for me?

My steps quicken on the stairs, I pull out my keys and go to unlock the door but it's open. I must have left it unlocked in my rush this morning, not giving it a thought I go inside and quickly lock up. I don't need anyone barging in on me; this has to be quick if I want to get back to class on time.

Once the last chain lock is in place I step away from the door and sigh as I look at the barrier between me and the outside world, my own little protection against the big bad world.

You would think I would know that I wasn't alone, I was distracted, tired, completely upset, so for a moment I didn't sense the presence behind me. When I did it was too late.

An arm snakes around me and his hand covers my mouth, the other one wraps around my middle and grabs my wrist. I suddenly feel Van's breath against me, he's drunk, probably half high as well, and I know straight away I don't have easy van with me, I don't have amused van with me and it sure as fuck isn't loving Van.

His hold tightens and I whimper as pain courses through my arm. The pressure in my wrists grows, an uncomfortable ache spreading all the way up. He starts to shush me and for some reason I do something against our routine, something I usually wouldn't actually do. I struggle.

That hand covering my mouth moves down until it's around my neck, he squeezes a little and my body sags as I begin to choke. Then as abruptly as he grabbed me he throws me to the ground, my wrists gets trapped under me and as skinny as I am my weight aggravates my newest injury.

When I roll over onto my back van surges pasulong and straddles me and shoves at my chest so I fall back down, "you little bitch!" he hisses just before he punches me in the face.

A high van shouldn't go near alcohol, it sends his cruel but usually controlled side wild, he's what you call a mean drunk, add whatever drugs are in his system and you just get dangerous not that he isn't normally dangerous. He is, that's what I liked about him… like… it's blurry at the moment as he slaps my cheek.

My cheekbone is throbbing, my ears ringing, but he stops and stares down at me and I just stare back. This is probably not the time to mention that he is half on my chest and the pressure on my lungs is making it really hard to breathe at the moment.

And then he gives me a disgusted look and gets up. I would laugh if I didn't think the ilipat would kill me. He looks disgusted? What the fuck did I do?

"Problem?" I ask wiping my mouth, he likes spunk, I shouldn't have struggled but if I was too passive he'd just want to start all over again until he got a reaction. I'm usually madami active in it, I usually enjoy it, it's like fucking foreplay to us but now it's different and I can't be bothered participating in these games today.

Besides he's never been… this before, well, maybe a few times if he gets pissed and drinks too much. I just wasn't expecting it right now.

"Problem?" he slurs and then he sighs, for a moment his face softens and he reaches out a hand to help me up, then he cups my chin and clicks his tongue, "why'd you do it, huh?" his voice is so soft, he's reprimanding me. His hold on my chin becomes slightly madami rough and I glance away, he forces my face right near his, fingers digging into my skin, "you just left me here, alone, you just ran out" he whispers close enough I can literally taste his breath.

Realisation hits me. Yesterday I ditched van after Mom came to get me. I had run out of the loft and away from van without a thought, forgetting everything I left behind even including a pair of shoes. At the time I thought nothing of it, clearly van didn't see it the same way.

"I'm sorry"

"Sorry isn't good enough" and one fingers softens and the tip runs down my cheek, a chill follows the path and runs down my spine. Every hair on my body rises to attention.

The fear causes my pulse to pick up, adrenaline enters my system and mixed in to all this are a few spare hormones. Not the time and place to most sane people but those people don't have the memories that I have of the two of us, they don't connect the cold chill with the heated passion. That when his hold tightens on me, when he grabs my wrists hard enough to bruise, or raises his voice with curses, memories connect it with sex.

Against my will my body reacts but its just a twinge, a very small twinge, it's one easily ignored because my body doesn't want that kind of pleasure at the moment, it knows it won't get the same relief it usually would. I'm closed off now it seems, even from this basic emotion.

"Don't do it again" his voice is too quiet, hard and pleading all at the same time, but I just can't give in.

If you were to believe the test results I am borderline genius, so my susunod ilipat must seem pretty stupid. But what's the thrill if you never take risks.

I keep my voice uncaring, he can't touch my soul sa pamamagitan ng touching my body, he can't control or reach me and I need him to know that, "I'll do what I like" and I am too focused staring down at him to hear what he hears, to recognise what he does.

If I had then I might not have sinabi anything to him and I realise my mistake the segundo after his hands grab me, spins me around so my back is to his chest, and imprisons me with one arm around my middle and the other around my neck with his hand over my mouth again.

That's when I hear the footsteps coming up the stairs.

No! My mind screams, and my body fights, kicking I try to break free. I try to wrench my mouth away from his grip so I can scream out a warning. van would never truly hurt me - I cannot say the same for anyone else when he's in this mood.

The steps get closer, my panic grows but this seems to excite Van, he chuckles in my ear and pushes me towards the door, "looks like we have a visitor, who could it be… mommy dearest maybe?"

I try to speak but it just comes out muffled.

Pushing me against the door van unlocks one lock, a segundo later there's a soft knock and I hear Mom's voice.

"Sawyer?"

van leans in closer to my ear and whispers so quietly even I can barely hear him, "she's a pretty little thing, maybe I should introduce myself" and he sounds so amused and I can't help but notice bitterly his words are no longer slurred.

I try to escape but van just pushes me harder into the door, his erection pressing against my lower back, "shhh" he says in my ear, somehow stroking my blonde hair as he adds on "if you're a good little girl and do as I say mommy can just walk away and I won't punish her for taking you from me… now be quiet, we're not here remember"

Like a switch was turned off I stop fighting, my whole body freezes, and I wait for what seems like a millennium as Brooke waits outside my door.

"Sawyer… can we just talk…please?" her hand tries the door and I breathe a sigh of relief that I locked it behind me, "I'm here if you need me" she says and then there is silence but I know she hasn't gone, I can practically feel her waiting and hoping outside. I squeeze my eyes shut, please just go, walk away, please Mom, just walk away, go, and go now.

And finally her footsteps retreat, relief pours through me. Thank the fucking gods.

When we're sure she's gone the hand that had been stroking my hair twists the length between his fingers and pulls my head back, then he slams it into the door while at the same time his hips ilipat against me.

The arm that had been around me is now holding me in a totally different way, it seeks all the places it knows so well as van starts to halik his way down my neck, and I am still frozen. He holds one hand to my head so I don't ilipat from my position as the rest of his body starts to be gentle in its attempt to coax me.

Any other time this pleasure pain thing would get me going, today I feel empty and dirty and disgusted with the both of us, so I remain frozen.

I stay like that the whole way through, I don't think he notices let alone cares, and when he shudders against me I let go of the breath I hadn't even realised I had been holding and feel a solitary tear run down my cheek.

For so long I've felt shut off from a part of myself, this was the only way I ever really felt anything at all and now that is closed up from me.

The thing is I think somehow the rest of the floodgate has let loose, and I'm not sure what to do with it all.

…

I'm going to be late for class. That is the thought that keeps going through my mind when I'm alone and getting myself ready all over again.

An unexpected paliguan wasn't on the rush agenda, neither was the make up job but I can't exactly go walking through puno burol or head to campus with a shiner fast appearing, stuff like that usually leads to tanong and I can't exactly say "yeah so I have this sadistic boyfriend who I let throw me around a bit every now and then so he has trouble with the word no".

No. That word seems completely pointless when you've always sinabi yes.

I apply the last of the concealer, not the best job but it should suffice for now. susunod step on the listahan is wake myself up so I don't sleep through the day. Pulling a draw open I go through my belongings until I find the particular box I am looking for and take the lid off. I dip my finger into the white powder and then suck it off.

Great for an instant pick me up, and also a great dieting technique - not that I need it. I hear coffee does the first thing too.

I might try that someday.

…

After the lecture I'm late for I blow off the rest of the day, I just can't be fucked today so I head over to the river court and walk to the centre of the court. It's a nice day, the perfect amount of chill for my liking, enough to keep my nose pink.

I take my leather dyaket of and fold it into a unan before lying down on the concrete and resting the heel of my right boot atop the tip of my left one.

Then I light a joint and watch the smoke rise into the sky, putting it down for a segundo I grab my camera and set the panangga sa bintana before aiming it up at the sky, zooming in I focus on the grey and white clouds above me and take the picture.

I hold my finger down too long, it's unneeded but I pause in the act anyway. Moving the camera to my stomach I just stare up at the sky, eventually I pick the joint up again, out of habit, out of something for sure.

How easy would it be to just float away, just float away and escape from it all?

Yeah, I scoffed at that one too.

…

It seemed like a good idea at the time… wow, that should be my motto, fits a lot of my fucked up decisions. Yeah, I'll just say 'seemed like a good idea at the time' and it'll explain everything.

But at the time going to the hospital did seem like a good idea, Keith has this crazy ability to just make everything else go away and with Mom at tahanan and not at the hospital as if she's glued to it, it seemed like a really good idea.

The first sign it was a bad idea was the news vans, I walked sa pamamagitan ng with my beanie and dyaket kidding most of my features and overheard enough to hear the ulat was about my family.

Seems like the media finally got hold of the story that Brooke Davis Scott and Lucas Scott were being sued sa pamamagitan ng their daughter while their son was in hospital. Fucking sick vultures, I hate when they hover around us as if our misery is entertainment to be shared around, yeah our family drama is so what families should be listening to together as they eat their perfect dinners in their perfect little homes with their perfect little children.

And if they are here they'll soon be parked at tahanan if they aren't there sa pamamagitan ng now. Just what I need.

Luckily our family has pull at the hospital, with how much money we've ibingiay to this place they should bloody name it after us, and that isn't even including the donations for research we give to them. This pretty much means we like own the place, or they treat us like we are frig'n royalty. The hospital wouldn't let the press inside and they'll keep the place safe, hell once before a doctor had to sneak us out in his car.

At tahanan when they are practically camping on our lawn it's different, it is really hard to ignore, thankfully they usually don't stay long, but we've never had a court case to keep them interested before.

So you can imagine I am pretty pissed off as it is while I make my way to Keith's room, that's when I run into reason two for why this was a bad idea.

The segundo I turn the corner I regret it, or I don't, depending what happens next.

She stares at me, wide grey eyes full of shock and outrage and some other emotion I can't place and refuse to accept. Because this little asong babae has no right to be here, she has no right to be upset or angry or anything, she has no right to step one foot in this hospital.

"Sawyer, is it true, is Abby really refusing to help Keith?" she doesn't even batt an eyelash, the fucking little prick.

I don't have to give her an answer; she sure as hell doesn't deserve one.

So I say nothing, I just glare at her, I communicate with my eyes she shouldn't be here and her own expression becomes blank and she takes a step back.

It's been a few months since I have seen Allie. She's changed, that I notice almost straight away, she's dyed her hair to its natural colour so it shines a light copper instead of its colourless black that I had connected with her. And her clothes are different, brighter and softer…

She could never wear short things, scars ipakita too easily for that and as I look at her wrists I notice her tug her kahel sleeves down.

When I answer it's not to help her, because she doesn't deserve it, I do it so it hurts her because a part of her must still care if she's here, though I don't give a shit about that because it doesn't matter considering everything. I lift my eyes to her, "yeah, it's true"

"She wouldn't do that, she can't do that!" a whisper, not even to me, she always speaks the worse things aloud when she's shocked.

I shrug, then begin to walk straight pass her "why-" I ask bitterly "that's what you did" but then I stop and turn back around, "you know what, Allie, you shouldn't be here"

Something in her eyes becomes harder, I've never seen that look on Allie's face before, there is a confidence she use to lack that is now making her stand straighter. I don't expect her to talk back either, but she does, "I just need to see him"

Everything inside me rejects it, like no way is that ever happening again "NO! Are you out of your fucking mind? I'm not letting you anywhere near my family ever again, ever!" and she looks at me with suddenly sad eyes, and I know exactly what she is feeling. She misses it all, she misses us and she misses him but it's too late "you walked away" I hiss at her. That should be enough and there is no better reason to keep her kicked out.

Allie nods but she then gives me the once over, her eyes searching every part of me, I hate it, I hate feeling her eyes on me as if she can see through my façade. Her eyes become sad again, and because she's pissing me off I hit out at her once madami "so how's your happy new life going?" sarcasm dripping from my words.

Her lip twitches, "you should be madami careful"

"What?" she's confusing me.

Her brow quirks, "it looks like you walked into a door" she says and what can I possibly shoot back at that, she shakes her head a little "eventually the pain isn't enough" and with her final words Allie turns around and walks back the way she came, back to the elevator and out of the hospital I presume.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.