SPOOF TREVOR:

SCENE ONE:

Man: (Cleaning a red Bodhi truck, witch is Trever's tradition car in the game).

Trevor: (comes in, wearing his traditional white t-shirt and sweat pants) Hey. Nice car man.

Man: Jee. Thanks mister..

Trevor: Say. Wanna see something, (gives the man a walang tiyak na layunin magazine).

Man: (camera zoomed up on him) What am I suppose to do with this!?

Trevor: (shown in the car when the camera zoomed back out) It's suppose to distract you as I steal your car.

Man: (angrily) Hey!

Trevor: (driving off) You just been T-Jacked, bitch!

SCENE 2:

on: So boss. Now that you took care of the bikers? What we gonna do.

Trevor. (stops at the Sandy Chores bank) YOU are not doing anything. But 'I' am stopping sa pamamagitan ng the bank here.. I have a deposit to check out.

Ron: Well.. Have fun I guess.

Trevor: (gets out, and grabs shotgun and then cocks it).. Ohh. I intend too!

Ron: (gasps) Wait! Is that a real gu- (Trevor runs in) TREVOR!

Trevor: (dramatically bursts in, wearing bike helmet to hide his face, and fires the shotgun into the air) NOBODY MOVE! I'M MAKING A DEPOSIT!

SCENE 3:

Michael: I've been in hiding.. But I DO see a therapist every so often.

Trevor: Therapist huh? I tried that once.. Didn't go so well.

(cut away).

Trevor: (in a therapy room) I'm telling you doc! I grieved him!.. And he wasn't even fuckin dead!.. The turd lied to me for all these years.

Doctor: I see.. And how dose that make you feel.

Trevor: (angrily) What is it with you!? Always with "feelings"..

Doctor: Just trying t-

Trevor: I HAD A HARD LIFE ALRIGHT! MY DADDY, WAS NOT, NICE TO ME!

Doctor: And how dose that make you f-

Trevor: (angrily breaks the doctors neck, killing him) FUCK YOU BITCH! WHO THE FUCK YOU SPEAKING TOO! WHO!?

Trevor: (angrily throws something) FUCKED WITH THE WRONG MOTHERFUCKER!

Trevor: ... FUUUCK!

SCENE 4:

Trevor: (to Micheal) Come on you fat fuck!

SCENE 5:

Michael: (hearing FIREWORKS playing loudly in the truck) Is this Katy fuckin Perry!?

Trevor: Yes.. Look. Just leave it on, it helps relax me!

SCENE 6:

Michael: Where's Trevor?

Pilot: He sinabi he was too busy..

Franklyn: What could that crazy man POSSIBLY be busy with!?

Michael: Who knows.. But I'm sure whatever it is, is completely violent and terrifying..

Meanwhile in Trevor's trailor house..

Pinkie: (sitting cutely)

Trevor: (literary training her) Alright.. Where gonna try this one madami time.. (extends hand) Gimme paw?

Pinkie: ... (extends her hoof onto his hand)

Trevor: Good.. Now... Other paw.

Pinkie: ... (extends 'same' hoof).

Trevor: (annoyedly) No, 'other' paw!

Pinkie: ... (again extends the same hoof)

Trevor: (getting angry) For god sakes, we practiced this! Your gonna make me look bad in front of the others!

Trevor: other paw..

Pinkie: ... (finally extends the right hoof)

Trevor: Finally!

Pinkie: (annoyingly) You know this reminds of the time wh-

Trevor: (deeply annoyed) Shut up!

SCENE 7:

Pinkie/Pinkamena: Coarse it is. You been my owner all this time, and haven't even seen my show.

Trevor: Fine., but if this turns me into a bitch, your never hear the end of i-.

(brainwash sounds)

Voice: You are now watching my little pony.

Trevor: (hyponotized) I m now watching my little pony

voice: My little parang buriko is the greatest ipakita you ever seen. Except maybe family guy.

Trevor: (still brainwashed) My little parang buriko is the greatest ipakita I ever seen. Except maybe Family guy.

Voice: You will recommend my little parang buriko and family guy to everybody you know.

Trevor: (still brainwashed) I will recommend my little parang buriko and family guy to everyone I know.
Voice: You will never stop talking about my little pony, or family guy.

Trevor: (still brainwashed) I will never stop talking about my little pony, or family guy.

(present time.. Witch is directly after the mission THREE'S COMPANY).

Trevor: Michael. Look at us, eh?.. New town. New set of problems. But the idiots. They stay the same.

Michael: Don't worry. Things will slow down soon.

Trevor: You know what's NOT slowing down? My little pony. Greatest ipakita I seen sense family guy.

Michael: (annoyed) God, you never shut up about those fuckin shows!

Trevor: (gets in helicopture).

Michael: I'll see you later.

Trevor: Ohh, you better believe it buddy.. (flies off).

SCENE 8:

Trevor: Perfect! It's a gang bang.. I even brought my own weapon (takes out his AK47, witch he gave several upgrades to.. Including a scoop, a handle, and kahel camo tape).
Franklyn: I already told you I'm tire-
Trevor: (begins playing party party party sa pamamagitan ng Andrew W.K. At high volume from inside Lamar's van).

SCENE 9:

Trevor: I want of the other side.

Dealer: No at ma-

Trevor: (sudden anger) Oh yeah, well, FUCK YOU! I didn't want it anyway.. (flips his middle finger at the dealers face).. I'll rather stay at home, then be with your motherfuckin fagot for the rest of the day.. Good araw bitch.. (storms out, still pointing middle finger).

(awkward silence).

Trevor: (calmly returns soon after) Dude, I totally didn't mean that.

Trevor: I'm sorry we had that fight jut then. You know, I mean. You sinabi some things. I sinabi something's.. But let's just put it behind us, and try to be mga kaibigan again.

Dealer: ... I'm still not giving you it.

Trevor: (angrily flips him off again) WELL FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! (tries grabbing it, revealing it to only be drywall with a key inside).

Trevor: Yo! That's a "close call with brick wall"!

Dealer: Isn't that an album for Andrew W.K.

Trevor: Sure is.. I like to "party hard" bitch!

Dealer: Wha-

Trevor: I "get wet" and like to "party hard"!.. "we want fun" asshole!

Dealer: Are you just naming songs!?

Trevor: GET READY TO DIE!

Dealer: Yo! We got some motherfuckin buyers remorse over here! (slams door closed)

Trevor: YO, YOU CAN'T FUCKIN HUSTLE A HUSTLER!

SCENE 10:

Michael: Look.. Brad got shot.. You saw it.. He didn't make it.. I got shot, and did.. That's it!

Trevor: (still angry)

Michael: Hold on.. You really angry, or just making yourself seem louder?

Trevor: I'M REALLY ANGRY!

The voice from Spongebob: Blistering Fury!

Trevor: You were lying to me Mikey!..

SCENE 11:

Martin: Ahh. Glad you could joi-... What's with the pony?

Trevor: (petting Pinkie as she's sitting beside him) She's loyal to me okay.. So deal with it.

Pinkie: ... Plus there's nothing on tv.

Martin: Whatever.. Anyway. I need you to kill my cousin., shoot down the jet as he-

Trevor: (excited) Is he coming from Ireland!?.. Is he a leprechaun!?

Michael: (sitting on the other side of the couch, as it's big enough for all three), I highly doubt he's a lepre-

Trevor: Kick ass! I never killed a leprechaun before.. You think if I shoot it, it will bleed out lucky charms!?

Pinkie: ... I too am wondering that

Martin: Guys foc-

Michael: Why would a leprechaun have private jet!?

Trevor: I don't know.. Maybe he-

Martin: GUYS!

SCENE 12:

Pinkie: (holding Scootaloo cutely) Boss, this my little friend Scootaloo.. bahaghari Dash and I like to call her Scooty... I been asked to watch her for a bit.

Trevor: I see.

Pinkie: ... Wanna hold her?

Trevor: Sure, thanks.. (holds Scootaloo).

Pinkie: (looks at her watch for 2 segundos before looking back up) Okay, and now we- OH MY GOD!

Trevor: (accidentally killed Scootaloo within the 2 segundos Pinkie looked away) I'm sorry., I was just petting her, honest..

SCENE 13:

Trevor: my dad dropped ME as a baby and i turned out... something... (looks around) Where the hell am I?

SCENE 14:

Trevor: (throws him in the trunk) Make yourself comfortable, slick!.. (gets in the drivers seat).

Devin; You won't get away with thi-

Trevor: (blasting death metal) Sorrry! Can't hear you!

SCENE 15:

Michael: (makes a large speech, witch ends in the four of them throwing the car down the cliff, with Devin still inside).

Trevor: ... Did anybody else get a boner just now?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SPOOF PACKIE:

SCENE ONE:

Lizzy: [laughing] True! uy Niko, this is Pa-.. Packie?

Packie: (comes out of bathroom) Ahh.. Always nice releasing the load.

(water pours out the bathroom door).

Lizzy: Damn it Patrick.. Why do you ALWAYS have to clog my toliet.

Packie: Whatever..

Lizzy: Uhhh... Anyway.. Packie is shopping. But I've never trusted the people he's buying off, and I can't, in good consciousness, help him... unless he's got some extra insurance - you.

Packie: And that's why you're the best, darling.

Lizzy: Ah. Maybe...

Packie Alright, tough guy, let's do this..

Niko: Sure...But why dose this writer ALWAYS use you.. Doesn't that make you a Marysue.

Packie: Probably a bit.. But what do I care. I often get paid the MOST in his stories.

SCENE 2:

Niko: Hey, Kate.

Packie: Get your fucking hands off my fucking sister, boy.

Dash: (only one to laugh).

Kate: (sarcastically) We're talking, not having casual sex, Patrick... I pray after the amount of practice you've had you'd know the difference.

Packie: Sure, I know the difference. One leaves you feeling sad and empty and alone... and the other's casual sex!

Dash: (again the only one to laugh).

Packie: See. Dash gets me!

Kate: Whatever... I am quite sure you and mister Niko here will have fun on your 'play date'.

Ma: [from another room] Kate!

Kate: Coming, Ma... you boys place nice, now...

Packie:: (sarcastically) For sure.

Ma: Kate!

Kate: Okay! [Kate leaves.]

Packie: Oh, we're gonna play "real" nice... [pulls out rifles] They're clean as a fuckin' whistle... One nakaraan owner... safely driven... ready for action.

SCENE 3:

Dash: (sarcastically) It's called that because people found the McRearys' stories so fuckin' boring. Listening to them was like being in Purgatory.

Packie: Fuck you, girl, I'll fucking come back there and kick your fucking asno in a minute.

SCENE 4:

Enamy: INTRUDERS!

(they all open apoy on Packie's group).

Michael: RETURN FIRE! (they shoot and kill a fair amount of enamies).

Packie: (fast talking) I'LL-FUCKIN-KILL-YOU-MOTHERFUCKIN-(not even real words anymore).. (shoots several of them dead).

SCENE 5:

Derrick: Patrick, you was such a sweet little boy when I left this city... Now all you do is watch Full Metal dyaket 24 hours a day!

Packie: Fuck you! It's good movie!

SCENE 6:

Michael Don't need to tell me twice, Packie. I'm ready to go. Pumped, is what I am.

Packie Thanks, Michael. Knew I could count on the dumbest member of the group to throw himself into proceedings the most willingly.

Michael: I was just saying how I'd do what you said, Packie. No need to get abusive.

Packie: There was no need for a brother and sister to get married, but your parents did that and now you're here.

Michael: (angrily) Don't bring my parents into this Packie!

Packie: But it's fuckin true! Why did a brother and sister have to get married and leave us with YOU!

Derrick: I can think of one reason they needed to get married. They was so ugly that no one else would have 'em.

Packie: (sarcastically) Nothing like a sibling's love, eh Derrick?

Derrick Nothing like it. Nothing could make me pag-ibig Francis, though.

Packie: Fucking Frankie, he'd be pissed if he could see us now.

SCENE 7:

Packie: Hands up people! I got your names! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn from the books! And you best unfuck yourselves, or I will unscrew your heads, and shit down your necks!

Derrek: Don't none of you worry about nothing, we're here for the banks money, it's going to a better caus-

Packie: Shut up! And handle the safe!

SCENE 8:

Derrek: The PE4 has been set, and ready to go off, in... sixty seconds... Now lesson people, were your friends. Me and my brother here-

Packie: Why are you telling them were brothers you idiot! That's gonna make hard for them to find us isn't!

Derrek: I'm trying to be honest with these people, we put them though a lot today..

Packie: Well ... no shit. What have we got here, a fucking comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister. You little scumbag!

Derrek: She's my sister too Packie!

Packie: Are you a peter-puffer?

Derrek: (confused) What!?

Packie: I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the asno and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!

Derrek: You really need to stop watching Full Medal dyaket so much!

Packie: Oh yeah we-

Eugene Reaper: MOTHERFUCKAAAAA! (shoots and kills an wrong placed, wrong timed, Michael Keane).

Packie: NOOOOOO!

Packie: (shoots and kills Eugene Reaper out of full out rage) WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH US!

SCENE 9:

Dash: Yeah. Well... He was a trust fund prick, and now he's enjoying the red rain.

Packie: ... You know, you should meet Carly Jade.

Dash: I did... But we nothing in common.

Packie: (sarcastically) Really? "nothing" in common?

Dash: (wearing a similar sando to Carly) Yeah, nothing at all.

Packie: Whatever... There's something I need you to do.

Dash: For the last time.. I am not gonna petsa you.

Packie: Yes, yes.. You made that PERFECTLY clear in that public resturant.

SCENE 10:

Niko: Packie, my man. How are you and Gracie getting on?

Packie: Like a house on fire, ain't that right, Gracie?

Gracie: (gagged) You fucking bastards.

Packie: See, she was just telling me how much she loved me. What do ya think of Niko, Gracie?

Gracie: (gagged) I fucking hate the both of you.

Packie: Gracie, watch your mouth. Niko is a good friend of mine. Don't say that about him.

Gracie: (gagged) Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Packie: Gracie, you're sweet. I know I'm too good for him, but sometimes a guy has got to hang out with lowlifes like Niko here. He's got his his uses.

Gracie: (gagged) I'll give you some fucking uses!

Packie: That's right, he is "definitely" a bad influence on me.

Gracie: (gagged) Motherfucker!.

Niko: Maybe Gracie ain't so different. You normally just shove so much kouk up a girl's nose that she may as well be tied up.

Packie: You're in a mood, ain't ya Niko? Is it finally beginning to sink in that my sister's chastity sinturon don't come off?

Niko: Fuck you.

Packie : Fuck you.

Gracie: (gagged) Fuck the both of you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SPOOF JOHNNY:

SCENE 1:

Johnny: Okay Gionna.. Afried I can't go with you to the drug trade.. But Brian can go.

Brian: I'll take good care of h-

Johnny: (angrily) SHUT UP BRIAN!

Johnny: (calmly back to Gionna) Anyway.. Brian is a good guy. i promise he won't rob you and leave you for dead.

SOON AFTER:

Brian robbed her and left her for dead.

Johnny: My God, Why the hell didn't I see it coming? All right, stand aside. It's about time I did my brotherly duty! (chuckles) I sinabi "duty," but no time to laugh about it now!

Johnny finds Brian at a bar.

Johnny: (angrily) uy BRIAN!

Brian: (happy to see him) uy Joh-

Johnny (leaps onto brian violently) And this is for laughing at all your own jokes during bike rides! (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) Who do you think you are? Ashley Butler!? (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) You think because SHE dose it, it's okay for you? (punches Brian in the face repeatedly) YOU HAVEN'T EARNED WHAT SHE'S EARNED BUDDY! (drops Brian who crawls away).

Johnny: All right, now where's the guy who betrayed Gionna?

SCENE 2:

Billy: Did you? Funny thing.. I wasn't aware.

Johnny: I told you five minutos ag-

Billy: I wasn't aware!

SCENE 3:

Jim: Good beac-... uy look, Billy is getting arrested.

Johnny: Oh cool!... (laughs) look at his face. (they both laugh).

Billy: (off view) JOHNNY!

Johnny: (waves) uy Billy.

Billy: (being arrested) JOHNNY! YOU SET ME UP! YOU JEWISH FUCKIN... JEW!...

Billy (off view) YOUR FUCKIN DEAD!

Johnny: (stupidly) Aww, he remembers me.

SCENE 4:

Johnny: What are you talking about?

Brain: You set him up!

Johnny: And why would I do that..

Brain: To be in charge.

Johnny: Your crazy man.. You should get that head looked at.

SCENE 5:

Jim: Fuck billy!

Brian: (gasps) Hey! You take that fuckin bac-

Johnny: I said.. FUCK BILLY!

Brian: (screaming) BILLY IS THE PRISDIENT! YOU WILL SUCK BILLY'S DICK IF ASKS YOU TOO!... YOU WILL SUCK HIS FUCKIN DICK!... I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!

Johnny: (screaming) I DO madami COCAINE THAN YOU WEIGH MOTHER FUCKER!

Brian: FUCK YOU JOHNNY YOU JEWISH FUCK! I HATE YOU!

Johnny: I HATE RIGHT BACK!

Brian: FUCK YOU ALL!... (shoots at Johnny who jumps into cover) PUT THESE ASSHOLES TOO THE GROUND BROTHERS!

SCENE 6:

Brian: Please Johnny, I'm bagging yo-

Johnny: (points a pistol at Brian's head) SHUT UP BRIAN! For once in your life do NOT be a pussy!... (ready to pull the trigger) YOU GOTTA TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!

Brian: (sighs). Fine.. But before I die, there's one madami secret I feel I have to share with you...

Johnny: ... (lowers the gun) Fine, what is it?

Brian: ... (sighs) I did not care for The Godfather.

Johnny: ... What!?

Brian: Did not care for The Godfather.

Johnny: But it's so good!, It's like the perfect movie!

Brian: Everyone keeps saying that. But I just don't like it, okay.

Johnny: Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it!?

Billy: ... It insists upon itself.

Johnny: (getting angry) That's because it has a valid point to make, it's insisted!

Brian: Oh Please... It takes forever getting in; you spend like six and a half hours... You know, I can't get through, I've never even finished the movie. I've never seen the ending..

Johnny: (angrily) But how can you say you don't like it if you haven't even ibingiay it a chance!?

Billy: I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it, and I get to the scene where all the guys are sitting around on the easy chairs or whatever..

Johnny: Yeah, it's a great scene. I pag-ibig that scene.

Brian: I have no idea what they're talking about. It's like they're speaking a different language... You know, that's where I lose interest in it.

Johnny: (angrily) They're speaking Italian! The language they're speaking is a language of subtlety; it's something you will NEVER understand because your an idiot!.

Brian: I pag-ibig The Money Pit... That is my answer to that statement.

(long pause).

Johnny: (shoots Brian dead) Shut up Brian!

SCENE 7:

Niko: (walks past Johnny, on his way to save Roman) uy Johnny.

Johnny: (dialing phone) uy Niko.

Niko: (goes into the warehouse, and pulls out gun).

Johnny: Those Russians have that poor bastard. and YOU got lucky, but you got to cont- (violent gun battle is heard inside the warehouse). Hang on.. (goes somewhere madami quite)... You gotta control yourself Ash.. The ice got you into this mess.

SCENE 8:

Ray: (in fake accent) You ripped me off, C!

Johnny: (in fake accent) No I didn't, C!

Ray: (in fake accent) I'm gonna make you pay, C! (hits him over the head with gun)

Johnny: That hurt!.. C!

Ray: I fucked Ashley, my friend, and now I'm going to fuck you. Where's my fucking stuff?

Johnny: Alright, alright... what you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help you go FUCK YOURSELF!

SCENE 9: (future line):

Johnny: That wasn't my fault. l was powerless. l was plied with copious amounts of Red Bull, Jell-O shots … And Goldschlger… My doctor thought l had Crohn's disease… There were flakes of 24-karat ginto in my dumi ng tao for about a month… I CRAPPED GOLD!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SPOOF BILLY:

SCENE 1:

Billy: Okay Johnny.. I'll ride up in your bike.

Johnny: I- I don't know man.. You a bit of a dick to me.

Billy: Johnny boy. I have "never" been a dick to you.

Johnny: [rolls his eyes] Oh please! All you EVER do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!

Billy: Johnny, when have I "ever" ripped on you for being a Jew?

[in the playground when first meeting each other] You're a Jew!

{while they argue} Oh yeah! Well your just a stupid Jew!

[Riding on their bikes} SHUT YOUR GOD DAMN JEW MOUTH!

[at the club house, on the front steps] {angry at Johnny} Good job, Jew!

[leaving his upuan in the club house] Shut up, Jew!

[angry at Johnny for no explained reason] You're JEWISH!

[seated on a curb with the other boys] Dude, he's Jewish!

[staking out a house] Jew!

[on Nightline, seated susunod to Johnny] Jew!

[in Ashley's dining room] Jew!

[at the side of a road] Jew!

[next to stacks of lumber, as Johnny is about to whack him] Jew!

[at a barn, through a hole on the roof] Jew!

[Johnny reads a Bible] Jew?!

[At a high school dance]

Billy: I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm.

Johnny: Fuck off, Billy!"

Billy: ... Okay, except maybe for that one time.

SCENE 2:

Billy: (angrily) God damn it! How can those deadbeats have my fuckin bike!.. I done all this stupid shit from inside jail!.. Even had to take stupid fuckin lessons in becoming less angry. (enraged) But now those mga kerubin have my motherfuckin bike! GOD (smashes hole in wall) DAMN IT!

Jim: ... But you 'obviously' became less angry.

SCENE 3:

Billy: (being arrested) JOHNNY! YOU SET ME UP! YOU JEWISH FUCKIN... JEW!... (off view) YOUR FUCKIN DEAD!

SCENE 4:

Billy: Nawawala MC is here motherfuckers!

Brian: Yeah! Nawawala M-

BILLY: SHUT UP BRIAN!

SCENE 5:

Billy: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Why the long faces? No wait, that's your "normal" faces.

Brian: (laughs)

Billy: Shut up Brian.

Brian: Y- Yes sir.

Billy: Anyway.. Might I tempt you in a matulin libation, my most trusted and honored guests?

Angel leader: I thought we had a truce going on?

Billy: Did you? Funny thing.. I wasn't aware.

Johnny: I told you five minutos ag-

Billy: I wasn't aware!

Angel leader: (growls).

Billy: But, let me tell you, it's a strange kind of truce that makes you think it's okay to gatecrash my party, Deadbeat motherfucker.

Angel leader: I'm sorry. You enjoy your little party. I take it, the good times are over. No problem, old man. [flips him off while walking away].. Have a nice day.

Billy (shoots him dead) DON'T FUCKIN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

SCENE 6:

Billy Line 'em up, my brother... Let me have some of that heroine, motherfucker!

Brian: Yeah! Heroine is tigh-

Billy: (annoyed) shut up Brian!

Billy: (smokes it).

Brian: Guess this means w-

Billy: [high on cocaine, shouting, speaking quickly] You know what I can't stand!? Internet piracy! How would you like it if musicians estola from YOU!?... (pointing at Clay) What if Cannibal Corpse estola your precious glasses?

Clay: ... [uncomfortable] I think I'll mostly just be confused..

SCENE 7:

Johnny: One word: business. Like I told you when you were in there, or were you so busy playing holier-than-thou you started believing your own bullshit?

Billy Oh forgive me. You know, I've had a complicated few weeks. It's hard to to pretend to care about people. Espically woman.. Now... GET MY FUCKIN BIKE!

SCENE 8:

Billy: WHOO! I GOT MY BIKE BACK! THIS SO AWESOME! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE! manuntok ME JOHNNY BOY!

Johnnny: (punches him because Billy asked him too).

Billy: WHY'D YOU FUCKIN HIT ME!?

Johnny: You asked me t-

Billy: Stop making excuses Jew boy!

SCENE 9:

Johnny: BILLY!

Billy: Haha.. About time you got here..

Johnny: (points handgun) I'll kill you!

Billy: Come on. You don't know how to use that thing.

Johnny: Oh really? (turns the gun sideways) What if I hold it sideways like a black guy?

Billy: (scared) Whoa man!.. Take it easy, all right?

Johnny: I hate you Billy!.. I ALWAYS hated you!

Billy: You gonna shoot me than? Or just keep standing there staring at me?

Johnny: I will!... Eventually.

Billy: Hurry up! I'm getting bored.

Johnny: I will! I will!.. Just be patient.

Billy: (lies to anger him) I fucked Ashley and Carly BOTH!

Johnny: You prick!

Billy: (wanting him to shoot already) Then do it! What are you waiting for? Go on!

Johnny: I will! I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKIN HEAD OFF!

Billy: THAN DO IT!

Johnny: I WILL!

Billy: Than why am I still alive!?

Johnny: Becau-.. Shut up!

Billy: JUST FUCKIN DO IT!

Johnny: Look.. just give me a second.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

SPOOF NIKO:

SCENE 1:

Roman: (meets Niko at the bangka stop).

Niko: (stressed) What took you so long!

Roman: Sorry.. I was at a party.. But anyway.. (singing) Welcome, home, Cousin. You know that, I missed ye-

Niko: [Off-Screen] NO! [On-Screen] NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING!

SCENE 2:

Niko: (angrily after looking in the fridge) WHERE'S THE FUCKIN MILK!?

Roman: I don't have any-

Niko: (enraged) Then go out and FUCKIN sa pamamagitan ng SOME!

Roman: (scared) Okay, okay! (runs out the door).

SOON AFTER:

Roman: (gives Niko gatas container) You happy now?

Niko: (happily) I'm VERY happy now?

SCENE 3:

Niko: Screw you! No, no, it's nothing like that. The ships were fine. It was before that, two things. You remember... (sudden anger) WHAT IS UP WITH THIS FUCKIN CHAIR!?

Roman: It's fine. Just keep going.

Niko: Fine., During the war. We did some bad things and bad things happened to us. War is where the young and stupid are tricked sa pamamagitan ng the old and mapait into killing each other. I was very young, and very angry. Maybe that is no excuse... Roman?

Niko: (violently pounds table) ROMAN!.. Are you sleeping you FAT FUCK!?

Roman: I'm sorry I-

Niko: FUCK YOU ROMAN!... Fuck!... Fuck someone!... Fuck a tit!... Fuck a tit hard!... For the pag-ibig of Alan greenspan... FUCK!

Roman: ... Feel better?

Niko: ... (sighs) not really.

SCENE 4:

Niko (enters and enraged sa pamamagitan ng the scene) HEY!

Dardan: Fuck you! (tries to stab Niko, who dodge it)

Niko: (breaks his arm).

Dardan Oh my arm. Oh!

Niko: (mockingly) Ohh, was that your arm?

Dardan: Fuck you!

SCENE 5:

Roman: Well clearly I'm not!

Niko: Well.. Go after him then. (opens friddge) Cause I'm not getting involv- Wait, what happened to my kit-kat bar I left in here?

Roman: Vlad must of took it.

Niko: (enraged) THE MOTHER FUCKER!

Roman: Whoa man, calm dow-

Niko: (finds and cocks a bomba action shotgun) I'LL KILL HIM!

SCENE 6:

Niko: ... Oh god!... Guess I wasn't thinking properly.

Vlad: It's fine.. Just stop pointing that stupid gun at me.

Niko: Fine... (throws down the shotgun, but it accidently goes off and shoots Vlad in the stomach, and falls down in pain and agony).

Niko: (gasps) Shit! Dose it hurt!?

Vlad: (angrily) OF COARSE IT FUCKIN HURTS!

Niko: Hang on man. I'll get that out of ya! (begins violently kicking where Vlad has been shot believing it's bringing the bullet out, but sadly it is actually bringing it further into him).

Eventually Niko took out his knife, cutting though Vlad's body, till he found the bullet/

Luckily Niko 'did' manage to get the bullet out of Vlad's body. But it was all for nothing, as Vlad was now dead.

Roman: (sees the body) ... (shocked) What happened!?

Niko: Uhh... (pretending it was purpose) What do you 'think' happened, I shot him!

SCENE 7:

Mason: I will get the brothers. And we're kick your as- (gets shot in the face, and dies).

Niko: (holding handgun).

Daughter: YOU KILLED HIM!

Niko: Yes. That's why I'm here… What did you expect.. Me to chase him down on a bike and fight him and other bike members.. No thank you.

SCENE 8:

Niko: (sarcastically) This is an emotional moment, I can feel the brotherly pag-ibig in the air. Maybe we should just talk about the "job" though?

SCENE 9:

Packie and Derrick dramatically burst out of the bank, firing at the cops.

The scream moments from KORN - GET THIS PARTY STARTED fill the background).

Packie: (annoyed) Niko! Turn off the music! I can't concentrate.

Niko: (holding a CD player that's playing the Korn song), But it's setting the mood!

SCENE 10:

Niko: And that's why I need you

Dash: (outside Packie's house).. But never sinabi anything.. You came over, knocked on my door. and sinabi "and that's why I need you".

Niko: Fine..

(One explanation later).

Niko: And THAT'S whyI need you.

Dash: Russians huh?.. You seem to be popular among them.

Niko: very funny... Now will you come or not?

SCENE 11:

Niko: Dimitri! You and I are gonna finish this!

Dimitri: Fuck you Bellic!

Niko: No fuck YOU Dimitri!.. I KNEW it was a mistake to work with you!.. But I DID... I promised Roman to start forgiving.. And now you took him!... I FUCKIN HATE YOU!

Dimitri: (a bit annoyed) Yes! I am aware of that.

Niko: I have madami respect for the shit I invaded my toilet with, than I for you.

SCENE 12:

Niko: (approaches) Welcome to America.

Dimitri: (translated) Screw you... You dick.

Niko: Yeah well.. Kill my cousin.. And this is what happens. (shoves a grenade down Dimitri's throat and walks away as it goes off, pieces of Dimitri flying all over the place).