The susunod few words from your lips would change our relationship and our life.
"House", there is blood in my urine. With that "the day", "myself", and "our relationship" began to spin out of control. I didn't realize this was the last time I would hold you or make pag-ibig to you.
As we got to the hospital the team was waiting to present a case. Great, "I thought to myself." We have Cuddy with upcoming tests and a patient and a team that have to have their hands held every step of the way. I tried to focus on the case and keep my mind away from the worry I felt about you, but I couldn't.
I hacked into your online scheduling only to find that you were meeting with a lawyer and fixing a will. I payed lab technicians to rush your test results and to give them to me. I sent team members to be with you trying to keep things in perspective but I was failing at keeping anything in perspective. I know you are scared.
As I fell asleep my thoughts were coming out in my dreams. I was scared that something bad was going to happen to you and I couldn't do anything to stop it. The team is dependent upon me to get the answers. I feel the pressure and I know it is my department and my responsibility. I also know that you need me.
I am losing this war Cuddy that is raging in my mind. I have Nawawala patients and I have let you down. I am not doing anything well. Moment sa pamamagitan ng moment my fears are overtaking me. And still I know you are scared and I still can't be there.
"My father's words ringing in my ears."
"Failure has to be punished."
I knew I needed to be with you but I did't know how.
"Happiness is just a lie and it never lasts." "Despair waits on you to relax and when you think maybe I can be happy a blow comes and knocks the breath right out of you."
"My thoughts go back to that night in my apartment." The night you came to me. You have embraced every broken part of me for the twenty years I have known you. Your beautiful and fragile frame standing before me cleaning my wounds and the wounds of my soul. I always thought if anything bad happened it would be me.
When my cell phone rang the voice on the other end began telling me that the woman I had fallen so deeply in pag-ibig with was going to die.
"Multiple masses" on the lobes of your lungs. "You're dead." Everything inside went numb. Everything except my puso went numb. This pain I was experiencing wouldn't stop. Wilson was right, my leg has never hurt me this bad.
You had been there through most every struggle in my life. You had kept me from destroying my career, my life, and you had ibingiay me love. And now you were being taken away. I knew I had to come to you. I had to get control of my emotions. I knew only one thing that could do that right now.
As I entered my apartment I went to the closet and took out a shoe that held the thing inside that would help me get through this so I could help you. Two years of being clean but what did it matter you were dying and so was I inside. I just needed to be there to go through the motions of saying good-bye. I couldn't bare to say good-bye and I couldn't tell you that. I didn't want to lose you. Awww Cuddy please......
As I am standing outside the hospital room door I stare at you. You are so beautiful. Everything inside me just wanted to scream out, "please don't leave me", but there was nobody to listen. You awaken and turned to see me standing there. You held your hand out as I tell I should have been here.
I am watching you be so bravo as they get you ready for the surgery. I hold your hand, I halik your sweet lips, and I am trying to do exactly what you need me to do. As I stand in the observation room I watch you go to sleep. I am trying to fight back the flood of sorrow that is so overwhelming. As my tears begin to squeeze themselves from my eyes I watch them take the mass out.
"My Cuddy.
"Don't go." Please don't go.
As they begin to test the mass I am shocked as they told me it wasn't cancer.
"What!?" How is it possible that it wasn't cancer? What is on your lungs then? And then I remembered your mom and I as I push the button on the speaker I told them to test your IEG levels. When the results came back your IEG levels were through the roof. I put the order in to take you off antibiotics and your lungs would shortly clear up.
As I wait on you to wake up I pagtatalo about telling you about the vicodin but it was a one time thing and I don't want to lose you. I tell you that everything is ok and everything can go back to normal. "I hope."
I hear the knock on the door and it is you. I see sa pamamagitan ng the look on your face and I know something is wrong.
"You took vicodin."
I drop my head as I hear the words tumawid your lips. I tried to tell you I was scared. I tried to tell you that it was a one time thing.
As you tell me I wasn't really there and that I take vicodin to escape pain I know you are right.
"Failure must be punished." The words echoing through my thoughts. My father was right. I am a failure at everything but being a doctor and since being with you I have not been that great at that.
You ilipat toward me and put your hand on my face and I know what is coming.
But I still pleadingly beg you not to go.
No, No. Don't, Don't. Please don't.
I am so sorry please don't give up on me is what I want to say. I need you.
You tell me good-bye and I watch you walk away.
I stood there for what seemed like hours just frozen. But then the pain came and hit and hit and it kept coming in waves washing over me and I couldn't stand it any longer.
I took the vicodin and sat down in the bathroom trying to recreate that night. Trying to go back and see where everything went so wrong. I look to the door but I know there will be no salvation this night. This night there will be no forgiveness.
As I pour the vicodin in my hand one madami time I look at the hallway and my puso just lingers there for a moment and my thoughts go back to that nihgt and the susunod day. It was you and me and it was all I ever wanted. I looked down at my hand and I realize that this night I am just looking for some peace.
“WTF? Since when did she get here???”
