Dudley: "They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?"
Harry: "No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it ▬ it might be sick."
- Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone

Fred: "You haven't got a letter on yours. I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid ▬ we know we're called Gred and Forge."
- Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone

when life gives you lemonade squirt it into someones eye and run
-dunno who its from

are you preety or am i drunk
-from me

Dont tell me the sky is the limit when theres foot prints on the moon
-dunno


help!!!! im locked inside my car!how can i get out im inside
-dunno

Everytime i think of you i gag
-dunno

Ummmmmmmm.... so the captial of texas is T or what?
-dunno

Im not short im just unusually tall
-dunno

i didnt hit you i just simply high fived your face
-dunno

Draco: "Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?"
Harry: "Yeah, reckon so."
Draco: "Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? Shame it doesn't come with a parachute ▬ in case you get too near a Dementor."
(Crabbe and Goyle sniggered)
Harry: "Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you."
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Professor Trelawney: "Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?"
Ron (whispering to Harry): "I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight."
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Percy: "I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days."
Fred: "Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?"
Percy: "That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway! It was nothing personal!"
Fred (whispering to Harry): "It was. We sent it."
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Liz: How you doin'?
Jenna: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?
Liz: Yeah.
Jenna: And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.
- 30 Rock

Ron: "Don't talk to me."
Hermione: "Why not?"
Ron: "Because I want to fix that in my memory forever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret. . . ."
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Dumbledore: "For future reference, Harry, it is raspberry . . . although of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam preferences before impersonating myself."
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Snape: "Do you remember me telling you we are practicing nonverbal spells, Potter?"
Harry: "Yes."
Snape: "Yes, sir."
Harry: "There's no need to call me 'sir' Professor."
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Fred: "He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo."
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Inigo Montoya: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Count Rugen: "Stop saying that!"
- The Princess Bride

Inigo Montoya: "That Vizzini, he can fuss."
Fezzik: "Fuss, fuss . . . I think he likes to scream at us."
Inigo Montoya: "Probably he means no harm."
Fezzik: "He's really very short on charm."
Inigo Montoya: "You have a great gift for rhyme."
Fezzik: "Yes, yes, some of the time."
Vizzini: "Enough of that."
Inigo Montoya: "Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?"
Fezzik: "If there are, we all be dead."
Vizzini: "No more rhyming now, I mean it."
Fezzik: "Anybody want a peanut?"
- The Princess Bride

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then lean back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

Welcome to the church of vegetables. Lettuce pray.

Paddle faster, I hear banjos!

Did you know that if you say "gullible" really slowly, it'll sound like "giraffe"?

Whoever said nothing was impossible has clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.

(Harry Potter ones)
Voldemort can see everything, but can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Siriusly guys, lay off the Harry Potter jokes. It's getting riddikulus!

(idk where these are from)

"If you weren't born, the world could have been allot better!"

"So now you adreanline junky now?"-Jessica, New Moon

"Bella, maybe we shouldn't be friends."-Edward Cullen, Twilight

"Leah's a werewolve??!??"-Bella Sawn, Eclispe.

"People - well, vampires and werewolves really, but still - people I loved were going to get hurt, Because of me. Again. I wished my bad luck would focus a little more carefully. I felt like yelling up at the empty sky: It's me you want -over here! Just me!-Bella Sawn's POV, Eclipse

Ok, if you know that Dumbledore is gay, this sounds so wrong...

(when Scrimgeour is trying to find out where Harry and Dumbledore went)

"Somebody Stupified a Death Eater on top of the tower after Dumbledore died. There were also two broomsticks up there. The Ministry can add two and two, Harry."
"Glad to hear it," said Harry. "Well, where I went with Dumbledore and what we did is my business. He didn't want people to know."
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, page 648

"I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a combination of Dark Magic and gum disease."
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

"And that's Smith of Hufflepuff with the Quaffle," said a dreamy voice, echoing over the grounds. "He did the commentary last time, of course, and Ginny Weasley flew into him. I think it was probably on purpose, it looked like it. Smith was being quite rude about Gryffindor, I expect he regrets that now he's playing them — oh, look, he's lost the Quaffle, Ginny took it from him, I do like her, she's very nice. . . ."
Harry stared down at the commentator's podium. Surely nobody in their right mind would have let Luna Lovegood commentate? But even from above there was no mistaking that long, dirty-blonde hair, nor the necklace of butterbeer corks. . . . Beside Luna, Professor McGonagall was looking slightly uncomfortable, as though she was indeed having second thoughts about that appointment.
". . . but now that big Hufflepuff player's got the Quaffle from her, I can't remember his name, it's something like Bibble — no, Buggins —"
"It's Cadwallader!" said Professor McGonagall loudly from beside Luna. The crowd laughed.
. . . Ginny and Demelza scored a goal apiece, giving the red-and-gold-clad supporters below something to cheer about. Then Cadwallader scored again, making things level, but Luna did not seem to have noticed; she appeared singularly uninterested in such mundane things as the score, and kept attempting to draw the crowd's attention to such things as interestingly shaped clouds and the possibility that Zacharias Smith, who had so far failed to maintain possession of the Quaffle for longer than a minute, was suffering from something called "Loser's Lurgy."
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I don't hate you, I just don't ever want to be around you in my entire lifetime again.
-me

I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.
-Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sounds like a good dentist. What's his name?
[long pause]
Dwight Schrute: ... Crentist.
Michael Scott: Your dentist's name is Crentist.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Haa... Sounds a lot like 'dentist.'
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
- The Office

Dwight Schrute: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
- The Office

Dwight Schrute: Excuse me. May I have your attention, please. There has been an accident on 84-West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam Beesly: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight Schrute: Brad Pitt. Also, there will be no bonuses.
Stanley: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight Schrute: They are unrelated.
Kelly: Is Brad ok?
Dwight Schrute: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar: What the hell's going on here?
Angela: Are we out of jobs?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Kelly: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Anniston.
Michael Scott: He was kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny and was, just, horrible.
Stanley: Michael, you said we were getting bonuses.
Michael Scott: Alright, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley: [into phone] Cancel the wallpaper.
- The Office

Michael Scott: Hey guys! Hey, can I stay in your room tonight?
Erin: Oh gross.
Kelly: Blow my brains out.
Michael Scott: That's--rude.
- The Office

Michael Scott: [to Oscar] Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive?
- The Office

Jack Benny: Well!
- The Jack Benny Show/Program

When you don't understand someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you'll be a mile away from them AND have their shoes

Alex: This is Mark, Uncle Ned's bastard
Scar: *gives him a weirdish look*
Alex: I know, someone had a kid with Uncle Ned.

- 17 again

MASS PRODUCTION! MASS PRODUCTION! MASS PRODUCTION!

-Hitachiin Twins, Ouran High School Host Club