"Charlie"

NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It's rated T for language only. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade.

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The episode starts with the typical shot of South Park Elementary. Inside, the third grade class is crowded around Kenny's desk. He's drinking something out of a small can.

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Mr. Garrison walks into the room.

MR. GARRISON: Okay kids, take your seats.

The class ignores him and continues.

CLASS: Chug! Chug! Chug!

MR. GARRISON: Shut up and take your goddamn seats! And Kenny, throw that in the trash.

The kids scatter to their seats and Kenny walks to the trash and throws away the can.

MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, we have some exciting news for you! A new student will be joining our class later today!

MR. HAT: That's right Mr. Garrison! Oh boy!

The entire class groans.

MR. GARRISON: Cut that out! And don't interrupt Mr. Hat when he's talking!

KENNY (raising his hand): (Mr. Garrison?)

MR. HAT: Well, as I was saying, our new student is named Charlie Pierzynski. She moved here from Minneapolis.

KYLE (raising his hand): Mr. Garrison? Don't you mean "he"? Charlie is a boy name.

MR. HAT: Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whip you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me?

MR. GARRISON: Now, Mr. Hat, let's calm down. Kyle raises a valid point. Now, I'm not sure, Kyle. All I have about the kid are its registration forms, and it says "Charlie" for name and "female" for sex.

All the boys in the class start laughing.

MR. GARRISON (rolling his eyes): Oh, really, that's very mature, gentlemen.

CARTMAN: Heh-heh… Mr. Garrison… sinabi 'sex'…

KENNY (waving his hand): (I think I'm going to be sick, Mr. Garrison!)

MR. GARRISON: That's enough, children! Let's ilipat onto some word problems. Now, if I had six big, round, hard nuts, and Ricky Martin ate five of them, then how many nuts would I have?

The class stares at him, wide-eyed.

MR. GARRISON: Anyone? Anyone?

KENNY (waving his hand frantically): (MR. GARRISON!)

STAN: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?

STAN: Kenny's gonna throw up.

Kenny vomits blue globs on his desk. Mr. Garrison stares at the puke for a moment, then goes to the garbage can.

MR. GARRISON: My God, Kenny! This is paint!

CARTMAN: Oh, how sad… It's all his family can afford.

Cartman and the others laugh. Kenny punches Cartman in the arm.

KENNY (angrily): (Shut up, fat-ass!)

MR. GARRISON: Now, we all know it's true Kenny. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now go get the janitor to clean that up before we're quarantined.

KYLE: Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON: Yes, Kyle?

KYLE: You have one nut.

MR. GARRISON: …How did you know that?

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The kampanilya rings again; it's the afternoon. Students are coming in from lunch. A kid stands near the mesa and stares at Mr. Hat nervously. She has short, brown hair and is wearing a blue-green hat and blue dyaket with cargo pants. She has little scratches and bruises on her face. She looks a little like a boy.

MR. GARRISON: All right class, take your seats! Mr. Hat has a new friend he wants to introduce to you!

MR. HAT: This is Charlie Pierzynski, your new classmate! Say hello to Charlie, everyone.

CLASS: Hello, Charlie.

MR. GARRISON: Now, are there any tanong you'd like to ask Charlie? [Stan raises hand.] Yes Stanley?

STAN: Are you a boy or a girl?

CHARLIE: I'm a girl.

STAN: Then why is your name Charlie?

CHARLIE: It's supposed to be short for Charlotte, I guess.

STAN: [pause] Oh.

MR. GARRISON: Anyone else? Yes, Clyde?

CLYDE: If you're from Minneapolis, then why don't you have a British accent?

CHARLIE: Minneapolis is in the U.S.

CLYDE: No it isn't. It's a town in England. My dad went there once.

KYLE: Minneapolis is in Minnesota, dumbass.

CLYDE: Seriously?

KYLE: Yes.

CLYDE: Oh.

MR. GARRISON: All right, do you kids have any madami stupid little questions? Yes, Kenny?

KENNY: (Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but are you a dyke?)

The class laughs, Charlie looks embarrassed, and Mr. Garrison looks angry.

STAN to Kyle: What's a dyke?

KYLE: I dunno. Kenny, what's a dyke?

KENNY: (Dykes are girls who like pussy.)

All three laugh.

MR. GARRISON: Kenny McCormick, where did you learn that kind of language?

KENNY: (Television.)

MR. GARRISON: Oh. All right then. Um, class, we've got a special surprise for the rest of the afternoon, but before I tell you what it is, is there anyone who'd like to ipakita Charlie around during recess? Anyone? [Cartman forcibly raises Kenny's hand.] All right. Why don't you take that upuan susunod to Kenny, Charlie?

CARTMAN: Heh, heh- Hey! I'm in this seat!

MR. GARRISON: Oh, I forgot all about you, Eric. Well, why don't you go sit over in that upuan sa pamamagitan ng Pip?

CARTMAN: Bu- the- wh- Dammit, are you serious?

MR. GARRISON: Right now, Eric.

CARTMAN: But I don't waaannaaaa! Ahhhhhhm!

MR. GARRISON: NOW, Eric.

Cartman grumbles angrily as he moves over to the upuan susunod to Pip. Charlie sits down in his old upuan but crosses her arms and looks away from Kenny.

MR. GARRISON: Now, as a special surprise for the rest of the class, we'll be watching several important episodes of Barnaby Jones. There will be a iksamen on this stuff, so pay attention.

The class groans. As soon as Mr. Garrison flicks off the lights, everyone in the class but Charlie puts his head down on his desk. Charlie looks around, then does the same.

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It's recess. All of the kids are playing outside. The boys are sa pamamagitan ng the swings.

STAN: No, dude—I was really asleep the whole class.

KYLE: Yeah right. I saw you peeking at the screen. I think you LIKE Barnaby Jones.

STAN: Do not!

KENNY: (Do too!)

STAN: Shut up, Kenny.

CARTMAN: Your impertinent and childish chatter is boring me. Let's play alien invasion.

KYLE: No way dude. We played alien invasion yesterday, and the araw before, and the Friday before that.

STAN: Yeah, aren't you getting tired of the same old boring aliens with the same old boring fizzing green blood?

CARTMAN: Dude. You can never get enough of Tralfadorians. They kick ass.

KYLE: Hey, Kenny, aren't you supposed to be ipinapakita that new girl around?

Kenny shrugs.

CARTMAN (whining): Come ON you guys, I wanna play alien invasion!

KYLE: Shut up, Cartman.

CARTMAN: I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew!

STAN: Hey, that rhymed! "I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew."

KENNY: ("I sleep with your sister madami often than you!")

Everyone but Kyle laughs.

KYLE: Shut up, Kenny! I don't even have a sister!

Charlie walks up.

CARTMAN (sighing): Well, what do you want?

CHARLIE: The guy with the puppet sinabi the kahel kid is supposed to ipakita me where stuff is.

CARTMAN: Kenny doesn't want to ipakita you where stuff is. You got me kicked out of my seat, you little twat. Go stand sa pamamagitan ng the pader like the other new kids.

They all look over at a wall, where two kids, one around kindergarten-sized and one taller than the third graders, are frowning and staring awkwardly at the ground.

CHARLIE: Fine. I don't need his help.

She walks away. A moment later she comes back.

CHARLIE: At least I'm not a fat-ass.

She walks away again. Cartman looks pissed.

CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not—well at least I'm not a gender-confused new kid! Go… put on a dress and get back in the kusina where you belong! (To Stan, Kyle, and Kenny) And stop laughing! Let's go play alien invasion.

KYLE: Screw you. I'd rather just ipakita the new kid around.

STAN: Me too. C'mon Kenny. C'mon, fat-ass.

CARTMAN: You guys go ahead and ipakita your retarded little genderless friend around. I'm staying here and playing alien invasion sa pamamagitan ng myself, where I'm ALLOWED to wear impenetrable vests.

STAN: Whatever, dude.

The three walk away. Cartman looks a little bummed.

CARTMAN: Fine. They can just go. I don't need them. Stupid Jew. I am master over this swing; it is my tiny realm. Nobody can touch it. It's mine. And it thinks I'm awesome.

The other three walk over to the bench where Charlie is sitting. She has one sleeve rolled up, revealing a badly bruised arm. She pokes it and winces.

KYLE: Whoa, where'd you—

Charlie yelps and falls off of the bench. The three stare at her as she gets up and quickly rolls down her sleeve.

CHARLIE: Hi.

KYLE: Yeah. Hi. Where'd you get those bruises though, dude?

CHARLIE: Wha—what?

KYLE: The bruises. All over your arm.

KENNY: (Maybe she likes rough sex.)

CHARLIE: I do not! I just… fell down the stairs.

KYLE: On your arm?

CHARLIE: …Yes.

They just stare at her.

CHARLIE: …Also I ran into a table. Really hard. [Pause.] I just fall down a lot.

STAN: Um, okay. Kenny is supposed to ipakita you around though.

Kenny waves.

CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, well… I'm okay, I think. It's no big deal.

STAN: Okay. C'mon, guys.

KYLE: Dude!

STAN: What? She doesn't want us to ipakita her around, so we don't have to ipakita her around.

Meanwhile, Kenny leaves.

KYLE: Well, she's new and everything. She's probably just a little shy.

STAN: I think I'd rather just… [The two look back and see Cartman flopped on tuktok of Kenny, who is brutally kicking his way out.] Never mind.

KYLE to Charlie: Do you want us to ipakita you around?

Charlie smiles slightly and nods.

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Stan, Kyle, and Charlie walk around the schoolyard.

STAN: That's the swings, and that's the tetherball thing, and that's the jungle gym. And our teacher's name is Mr. Garrison.

CHARLIE: Does he always have a puppet?

STAN: What, Mr. Hat? Yeah, he always has Mr. Hat.

KYLE: And that's Wendy, and that's Bebe, and the fat-ass is Cartman, and I don't know who that is, and that's Pip. His real name's Philip, but everyone calls him Pip, 'cause we hate him.

CHARLIE: Why do you hate him?

KYLE: We just do.

CHARLIE: Oh.

Wendy and Bebe come over.

WENDY: Hi, Stan.

Stan throws up.

KYLE: Hi Wendy. Hi Bebe.

WENDY: Stan, are you done throwing up?

Stan throws up again.

WENDY: Ew, that's gross. Puke is gross. Now are you done throwing up?

STAN: I think so.

WENDY: Can I talk to you?

STAN: Sure.

Stan and Wendy walk away. Bebe smiles at Charlie. Charlie and Kyle glance at each other uncomfortably.

WENDY: Stan, is there a new kid in our class?

STAN: Yeah, weren't you there for the big introduction?

WENDY: No. Bebe's mom took me and her to a hair salon. Do you like my new hair?

She spins around. Her hair looks the same as always.

STAN: Yeah. It's great.

WENDY: But Stan! What's the new kid's name?

STAN: Charlie.

WENDY: I pag-ibig that name! Stan, do you think Charlie would like to go out with Bebe? When she saw him earlier at recess, she sinabi she thought he was cute.

STAN (looking a little disturbed): Um, Wendy, I don't think—

WENDY: Well, Kyle doesn't like her, and she's really sad because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't!

Stan throws up.

WENDY: Ew, gross! Stan, that's gross! But anyway, come on! Go ask Charlie if he likes Bebe!

STAN: Charlie isn't—

WENDY: Please?

STAN: …Okay.

They walk back. Bebe is still staring at Charlie, who hasn't sinabi a word. Wendy whispers something to Bebe, who giggles and whispers something back.

WENDY: Charlie, this is Bebe, and I'm Wendy.

CHARLIE: Hi.

WENDY: I'm Stan's girlfriend.

CHARLIE: Okay.

Bebe whispers something to Wendy.

WENDY: My friend Bebe was wondering if—Stan, what's wrong?

Stan is shaking his head vigorously.

STAN: I really don't think you should—

WENDY: Stop being so selfish, Stan! He can do whatever he wants! Charlie, would you like to go out with Bebe?

Charlie doesn't say anything, just opens her mouth in shock. Bebe giggles.

WENDY: It's okay. She thinks you're cute.

Charlie doesn't move.

WENDY: Does that mean yes?

Charlie doesn't move.

WENDY: Yes! This is so exciting! Bebe has a boyfriend!

Bebe runs up and kisses Charlie on the cheek. Charlie appears to be completely petrified. The two girls run off together.

KYLE: Dude! You're going out with Bebe!

Charlie doesn't move.

KYLE: Bebe's a girl!

Charlie doesn't move.

KYLE to Stan: Dude, is she okay?

STAN: I dunno. Should we get her to the nurse?

KYLE: One sec… [He punches one of her arms].

CHARLIE: Ah! Dad! [She notices Kyle and Stan] Ow. What was that for?

KYLE: You're Bebe's boyfriend.

Charlie freezes again.

STAN: Dude? Dude!

Stan punches her other arm.

CHARLIE: Ah! Cut it out!

Kyle punches her arm again.

CHARLIE: I'm awake, I'm awake! What was that for?

KYLE: Just checking.