I tried to do as many activities as I could during the day. The exhaustion and weariness did not stop me from cramming my day’s schedule full. I was exhausted and weary because the tears and the pain came with a vengeance during the nights – cold, starless, lonely nights without the pag-ibig of my life.
Jacob starred in my dreams every night. His face haunted me relentlessly. I always woke up in the middle of the night shaking with sobs. My parents rushed to my room and tried to console me during the first few weeks until I begged them not to. I quickly learned to muffle my sobs in the gushing water of the bathroom paliguan but of course, they could still hear me.
I couldn’t fool them but they pretended along that nothing’s wrong during the day. I was a tough, emotionless vampire during the araw and a weak human during the night.
I thought of something new to do today. It was like I was following a mental listahan of everything that I could do without reminding me of him,
I shopped thrice a week with my aunts. My clothes could hardly fit in my closets. Grandma is now planning to build a new dressing room for me.
I tried my hands on rough road racing with my uncles. It was exhilarating but I knew my puso was still into cliff-diving. Something I couldn’t do anymore for I refused to ever set foot on what used to be our cliffs.
I helped Grandma in the kusina or studied medical books with Grandpa.
I stayed away from music and poetry. They involved too much information.
But today was different. With nothing to do, I entered the aklatan intending to immerse myself in the technical side of surgery. I planned to bombard Grandpa with tanong later on. I knew this would take hours and hours and would keep too much free time away. As I scanned the books in front of me, a little blue book caught my eye. It was a collection of poems sa pamamagitan ng Pablo Neruda.
Odd, what’s this book doing here together with Grandpa’s books? I thought, immediately curious. I flipped through the pages. A particular page made my puso quiver…
I dropped the book and fled from the room. This has to end. I have to get away. Verses stood out on my mind like they were mocking me.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, ‘the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
Through nights like this one I held him in my arms
I kissed him again and again under the endless sky.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have him. To feel that I have Nawawala him.
To hear the immense night, still madami immense without him.
What does it matter that my pag-ibig could not keep him.
The night is shattered and he is not with me.
pag-ibig is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held him in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has Nawawala him.
Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer.
“What are you doing, Renesmee?! Are you torturing yourself?” A voice inside my head screamed at me.
This has to end, NOW. I have to get away from him, from every thing that screamed of our memories together. I have to leave Forks.
I was almost hyperventilating when I found my parents sitting on the porch steps. I was trembling but I was determined.
“I need to talk to both of you.”
Daddy narrowed his eyes as he tried to make sense of what’s going on inside my chaotic head. I took a deep breath.
“I want to go to College.”
My mom’s jaw dropped in shock.
“I think it’s perfectly ligtas now. Nobody dared to harm me in the past months.”
“Do you really want this, Nessie? Aren’t you just running away from…” He couldn’t continue. I saw his hands clench into fists.
I bit my lower lip. I’ll just have to tell the truth.
“It’s really difficult for me. All of you did your best to help me out…” My lips trembled. Mom pulled me into her lap. I would have been annoyed before. I’m too big to sit on Mom’s lap now. But this time, I didn’t. I needed her strength.
“I think I should do this on my own. Besides, college was what you guys wanted me to experience. I think it’s time to immerse myself in the human world.” I sinabi trying to make things light.
My father sighed. He really couldn’t argue when I put it that way.
* * *
The days went sa pamamagitan ng with off to college preparations. Aunt Alice packed for me of course. Now, I stood in front of the Cullen Mansion, my family gathered around me.
“Call us every night, baby.” Aunt Rose sinabi after hugging me.”
“Attend every parties okay?” Aunt Alice said.
Everybody laughed. The exchange of hugs started.
“Take care, Nessie.” A flood of calm determination washed over me as Uncle Jasper stepped away from our hug.
I smiled gratefully at him.
“If your classes get too boring, just call me and we’ll try to do something crazy, alright?” Uncle Emmett sinabi grinning hugely while mussing my hair.
“I’ll miss you. I’ll call you as much as I can.”
I waved goodbye and blew kisses to my family.
* * *
“Having segundo thoughts?” My Dad broke the glum thoughts in my head.
I shook my head. We were almost to the highway that would lead to the airport when I looked out the car window and saw a flash of russet.
My puso pounded wildly.
“Do you want me to stop the car, Nessie?” Daddy asked softly.
“It’s alright, sweetie. We still got time.” My mom said, hope in her eyes. She really doesn’t want me to go.
What? Is she expecting a reunion with Jacob so that I won’t leave?
I shook my head and stared straight ahead. The car gained speed as the tears streamed down my face.
The lobo howled.
Love is so short. Forgetting is so long.
I hurriedly wiped the tears away.