I ran against the wind which came contrary to me.
I ran against the wind which approached me till I adhered to the parapet panting. Hardly anybody was madami in the park although it was rather warmly and still not at all so dark. The sun just set and the water under me turned orange-red now. I needed a while, before I came to the quiet, then I did not madala it any madami and the tears forced her way. I knew that she lied. I knew that this not corresponded to the truth what she had sinabi to me. I did not have any proof for it but I could feel that there was something wrong. I did not want any more. Even if I knew that everything was probably not as bad as it appeared to me, it did not go on any madami for me. I clung still madami tightly to the bars until my ankles got white. I did not feel pain. The pain which have been caused to me within the last few years, spiritually or physically, it doesn´t metter, outweighed everything. He was not dead! This could not be! I closed the eyes and the events of the last years threw into me in.
I remembered how the person over me made me undressed and how I felt the weight of the body which pushed me deeply on the bed, the cold fingers, and my re-stand, my cry, which was crushed sa pamamagitan ng the lips of the person over me and my desperate test make him stop.…
Then the araw on which I had got to know HIM probable the only pleasant memory. The araw on which everything got better for me. Attaching the moment, when madame stood in front of me and told me he was dead. I remembered the friendships which have been broken because of lies, someone told around. And now this scene. I means eyes shinily in front of tears and means an inner world unemotionally and destroyed whip my hair into the face.
I knew that people killed themselves with this what was familiar to them and about what they knew a lot. Somebody who likes to climb and loves the height probably would rather rush from a napakataas na gusali but not cut his artery open, and somebody who was afraid of pain would probably find a painless way to go from the world. I did not know what was so exactly familiarly to me . Perhaps it was anguish and solitude. But these things let you die painfully and slowly. Perhaps I had earned it also exactly , but I did not want to die slowly. Like it these two things happened had not so slowly. I could have taken soporific. Actually this would have exactly been ideal but Dr. Martin would not want to prescribe a means for me since he had seen through my plan apparently and everything risked now to stop me from my plan. So the bridge in the park now was that what had come into my mind as next. We had so often met here...but would I really die, when I jump down here? Actually I would begin automatically to hold on over water. But perhaps the impact would kill me. Only if not, then I would have to explain mother why I was soaked completely. .I saw through the tear veil without seeing something. What now? Shall I? Or shall I not ?...
I ran against the wind which approached me till I adhered to the parapet panting. Hardly anybody was madami in the park although it was rather warmly and still not at all so dark. The sun just set and the water under me turned orange-red now. I needed a while, before I came to the quiet, then I did not madala it any madami and the tears forced her way. I knew that she lied. I knew that this not corresponded to the truth what she had sinabi to me. I did not have any proof for it but I could feel that there was something wrong. I did not want any more. Even if I knew that everything was probably not as bad as it appeared to me, it did not go on any madami for me. I clung still madami tightly to the bars until my ankles got white. I did not feel pain. The pain which have been caused to me within the last few years, spiritually or physically, it doesn´t metter, outweighed everything. He was not dead! This could not be! I closed the eyes and the events of the last years threw into me in.
I remembered how the person over me made me undressed and how I felt the weight of the body which pushed me deeply on the bed, the cold fingers, and my re-stand, my cry, which was crushed sa pamamagitan ng the lips of the person over me and my desperate test make him stop.…
Then the araw on which I had got to know HIM probable the only pleasant memory. The araw on which everything got better for me. Attaching the moment, when madame stood in front of me and told me he was dead. I remembered the friendships which have been broken because of lies, someone told around. And now this scene. I means eyes shinily in front of tears and means an inner world unemotionally and destroyed whip my hair into the face.
I knew that people killed themselves with this what was familiar to them and about what they knew a lot. Somebody who likes to climb and loves the height probably would rather rush from a napakataas na gusali but not cut his artery open, and somebody who was afraid of pain would probably find a painless way to go from the world. I did not know what was so exactly familiarly to me . Perhaps it was anguish and solitude. But these things let you die painfully and slowly. Perhaps I had earned it also exactly , but I did not want to die slowly. Like it these two things happened had not so slowly. I could have taken soporific. Actually this would have exactly been ideal but Dr. Martin would not want to prescribe a means for me since he had seen through my plan apparently and everything risked now to stop me from my plan. So the bridge in the park now was that what had come into my mind as next. We had so often met here...but would I really die, when I jump down here? Actually I would begin automatically to hold on over water. But perhaps the impact would kill me. Only if not, then I would have to explain mother why I was soaked completely. .I saw through the tear veil without seeing something. What now? Shall I? Or shall I not ?...