can any body look at my story for me and comment what you think and if you would read a segundo chapter?[there is a link in the details]

Okay, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get through the first paragraph of this story because of the appalling amount of spelling and grammatical errors in it. There aren't even spaces between the punctuation marks, and you use the wrong "to". What grade must you be in to not have learned which "to" to use? Your sentences are run-ons and they have little relevancy. There is no flow to your story; it's just choppy and uninteresting. I would suggest that you use Microsoft Word to rewrite this (spell-check) and possibly your mom or English teacher. I wouldn't really want to read another chapter of this. Plus, it sounds just like Twilight. Except much, much worse. I'm sorry if you're offended sa pamamagitan ng this, but it just isn't very good. I didn't want to sugarcoat it. I'm sure it could be a very good story, if maybe you asked for help from an adult or older sibling. Again, sorry, but as someone once said: "Lies never help anything, not in the long run, anyway. It's better to make an honest mess and clean it up." Or something like that, sorry, I don't have the quote in front of me. But you should definitely give it another go, just make sure you edit your work.