'Two Birds, One Millstone' 

'How to Get Away with Murder' recap: 'Meet Bonnie'

'How to Get Away With Murder': Jack Falahee on 'Meet Bonnie'

Hello. It’s me. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet to FIGURE OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING THIS SEASON ON

Yes, I’m back (and let’s give a warm thanks to my Bonnie, Justin Kirkland, for filling in for two weeks in my stead). You’ll have to excuse my absence, as I was off in rural Pennsylvania burying the bodies of dead girls in the forest and hacking the computers of secret rich babies and eating large Italian meals with strange families. (Just kidding — can you imagine me in a forest!?)

For real, we need to talk about some things. With most of the attention tonight devoted to a refreshingly normal case of the week, I feel like it’s a good opportunity to step back, breathe, and evaluate what the hell has been going on the past few weeks. We’ve got a handful of totally absurd details about the big murder mystery night yet nothing concrete enough to form a workable theory: We’ve got Oliver and Connor entertaining the idea of jail; Laurel and Frank taking great steps toward a healthy relationship; and Michaela dating her third consecutive crazy person. And then there’s this thing Asher did at Trotter Lake, which dares to become more problematic than getting the notification that someone you haven’t talked to in three years tagged you in a photo.

Every series regular is now accounted for on the big murder night at the Hapstall house. Wes, Laurel, and Michaela have escaped into the woods, bringing a frantic, blood-soaked Connor with them; they’re picked up by policeman Nate, who then drops Michaela off to meet Caleb, inquiring about a mysterious “she.” An equally bloody Bonnie has fled the scene with Asher and driven to a gas station bathroom to tend to her blouse; when she returns to her car, Asher’s gone, presumably at the police station.

Tonight, we learn that Frank follows Annalise’s ambulance to the hospital (not the Marcia Gay Harden one, though) and performs a highly visible “Don’t let her die!” shrieking routine, ostensibly for his own version of an alibi. He then walks coolly and calmly to his car outside, where Catherine Hapstall’s body lays lifeless in the back seat. All of her skin and organs are intact — a qualifier I cannot believe I just had to write — but Frank proceeds to chuck her body in the woods, where she remains unconscious for the rest of the night before a police officer discovers her body (which appears to be splattered with someone else’s blood) the next morning. But surprise, bitches: she’s alive!

THEORIES: I always had some kind of working theory about who killed Sam and who killed Lila, but this year it almost seems foolish to even try and guess what the Fifth Harmony is going on at the Hapstall mansion. I have some vague observations, though. Who’s covered in blood? Bonnie, Catherine, and Connor. Who looks shaken up? Asher and Connor. Who’s strangely calm and possibly operating under a greater plan? Frank, Nate, and Caleb.

As to what actually happened, it’s a veritable game of

(Laurel in the Chipotle room with an iPad Mini?). Still, I’m confident in presenting my first officially crazy new theory for the season, which might explain what could have led to a bloody battle at the mansion, and it all has to do with…

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