I'm putting two funny artikulo together in one, hope you enjoy it!

Some fun rules
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I pag-ibig deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in kama looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?! "
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through mani butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And,18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."

A Cynic's guide to life.

A Cynics Guide to Life:The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken tagahanga sinturon and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a bulaklak grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a apoy drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each araw I try to enjoy something from each of the four pagkain groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is " group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the panghasa and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. pag-ibig is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up."