Good day, haven't written in a while, but I've been out of the country causing me to miss 2 supernatural episodes, which I feverishly caught up on as soon as I returned home. And in supernatural fashion, it did not disappoint. While there are varying opinions, I absolutely loved last friday's episode 17. It was a master piece and there was so much emotion, easily my favourite episode from this season. Now if there's one thing I've noticed throughout this season, its the major change I can see in Dean's character. From season 1, Dean has always been the motivated, ambitious one, who knew what he needed to do and how he needed to do it. While it is part of his personality to cover his insecurities, especially in the presence of his younger brother, he has nevertheless been a capable, steadfast pillar of support for his family. But in this current season, and even beginning as early as season 5, its almost as if Dean has gotten old. No longer does he fight as hard as he once did for things he used to hold so dear (save for Sam). It really pains me to see him like that, because I can see him trying to stay strong for Sam's sake, but he's really not happy with life. In essence, he's tired, and not just fatigued, but he's been beat down so much that perhaps he doesn't want to get up anymore. Let's take a closer look shall we?


1) His burden
Let's not kid ourselves. Dean has a heavy weight on his shoulders. The weight of his family, the weight of his job, the weight of the world. It's almost as if his load increases exponentially every season. Protecting his family is hard enough, but it just so happens that his occupation is to chase after the things that want to kill him. You know who does that? Crazy people! Hunting is a thankless, unlucky, unhappy job, but someone's gotta do it. It's with this notion that he makes it through most of the earlier seasons. Until his burden envelopes not just the fate of his family and some strangers, but the entire world which he and his brother broke. Fancy that. Though he makes it through that, it seems that he has to continually steer the bus away from the cliff. And he begins to wonder, what if the bus wants to go over the cliff? Why is it his job to save a world that always seems to be on the verge of breaking?


2) His pain
Remember when they used to just gank monsters? Remember how simple life was? Remember a time when everyone he cared about was alive and kicking, and not everything depended on him? Dean has Nawawala nearly everyone he has ever loved or cared about. His mother. His father. Jo. Ellen. Lisa. Ben. Bobby. Cas. Or gotten them killed as he has put it. He's barely hanging on. Sam really is all he has left. That's the only reason he will still fight. Because if he doesn't, he'll lose everything. He used to be able to shake things off. ibingiay time, he could bury it under his rug. But as the futile fight against the Leviathans continue and he finds his listahan of allies running thin, he cannot shake it off. The desperation of the situation, coupled with the pain of losing everyone is crippling him. He's so tired of losing people, losing fights and just never getting a break. Hasn't he ibingiay enough? Hasn't he paid enough?


3) His bad luck
Luck isn't in the job description. It's what you're gonna need if you want to survive this job. He expects to win some battles, and to lose others. He doesn't expect to lose, and lose, and lose and lose. For once, why can't something be as it seems? Why can't he have a araw where heaven and hell isn't collapsing on itself, raging wars against each other and themselves. It's almost as if life is torturing him with everything it's got. When he’s not falling down, he’s trying to hold someone else up. Tossing him left and right, stomping on him when he's down, yet never allowing him the peace of letting go or the serenity of giving up. Dean used to be able to take everything that this life dished him, but perhaps he'd been dealt the maasim hand one too many times. Remember at the end of season 5? Dean wanted no hell or heaven, just madami of the same. Would that still be his answer now?


4) His brother
Dean loves Sam. Sure their relationship has been tested and stretched, but there has never been a time that they have stopped loving the other. But often, Sam constitutes to Dean's weariness, whether or not he means it. Dean has always felt a responsibility to Sam, which carries on, even into adulthood. There's nothing he wouldn't do for Sam, and we've seen this proved time and time again, notably when he sacrificed his soul to resurrect Sam. However for a long time, a part of him doesn't see Sam as an equal, and he takes Sam's mistakes as his own failures as a brother, not recognizing them to be what they are: Sam's mistakes. He constantly chases after Sam, trying to guide him when he's Nawawala and trying to find him when he's gone. The only time he puts full effort into anything, is whenever his beloved brother is involved. He nakakita Sam's problems as his own, and neglects his own. In season 7, Sam's hallucinations intensify to the point that he loses touch with reality. Dean very nearly breaks as he watches Sam die slowly, and I'm sure he would have went suicidal if Sam had died. It's a dangerously co-dependent relationship, but on a brighter note, it is a wonderful testament to the power of family.


5) His emptiness
While it was only in season 5 that Dean’s emptiness is addressed directly, but its something that we’ve seen as fans for a long time. Maybe it’s from getting pushed down over and over again, or from losing everything over and over again, but Dean’s been feeling empty for a long time. Dean is also madami prone to lose hope. Remember the helplessness he was feeling in the end of season 5? Remember how he was willing to surrender to the angels, because he felt like he could no longer fight them? He still feels pag-ibig (thankfully) and protectiveness towards his most important people, but he’s finding it harder and harder to fight and ‘go down swinging’. Why him? Why can’t he be allowed a family, some love, some peace? Is it fair that he’s been ibingiay the short stick, and the heavy responsibility attached to it? Is it fair? The short answer would be no, it isn’t fair. Some live that deserve to die. Some die that deserve to live. Why is it, that he was chosen, or destined for this? Dean used to be satisfied, somewhat fulfilled. Sure this life had its ups and downs, but he could take it all as long as he had his family. But losing everyone whilst he kept fighting is really taking a toll on our poor Dean. Why should he care about anything? Pretty soon it’ll either leave him, or disappear. Why should he keep fighting and bleeding for a world that gives him nothing and takes from him, everything?