here is the long awaited 14 enstallment of my story!
okay, i know a few of you have been asking about it and this is (unfourtunatly) not the bit with the conversation between Edward and Bella yet.
hopefully thats the susunod one :)




I tried to go back to what I had been thinking about before, but I found myself caught up in the little changes of expression on her face. Again, I wanted to know what she was thinking, but I was used to that. I had always wanted to know what she was thinking.
But did I still? A thought hit me with the power of one of Emmett’s punches, making me breathe out in a sudden gust. Did I really want to know what she was thinking? She had been so careful the whole time I’d been with her. Careful about the way she touched me, even the way that she looked at me. Like she was stopping herself from halik me. But that wasn’t why I still hadn’t taken a breath. It was why she was careful. My thoughts from the plane came back to haunt me. What if she had moved on? What would I do? I knew that if she wanted to leave I wouldn’t stop her. I’d rather suffer in pain than keep her from what she wanted. This time I couldn’t stop the depression from rising to the surface, overpowering my thoughts.
Charlie’s words, bitterly etched in my mind, ran through my head again. The amount of pain I had caused.
I deserved her leaving me, after what I had done.
I moved off Bella’s bed, disgusted in myself, what I had done to her. Bella, the reason for my existence, my sun, the meteor flying across my sky, illuminating everything.
I moved over to the corner, lowering myself into the rocking chair that still stood there, alone and forlorn.
How could I have done that to her? I groaned quietly. My fault, all my fault.
My head fell into my hands and my eyes closed, a million thoughts running through my head. Charlie’s words, ringing with finality, the thoughts and memories Alice had shown me.
The pain in Bella’s eyes.
Thinking about her made me open my eyes and look at her beautiful face again. Even looking away for segundos hurt. I so desperately wanted to go and hold her, to keep the depression at bay, but I was too disgusted with myself. All my plans had gone wrong, backwards. It was meant to be better for her, not worse. How could this have happened? I wanted to scream out loud. It took a great portion of my self control not to. As it was, a groan broke through my lips. Bella stirred, and I immediately froze. The crease between her brows became much madami pronounced as she stirred and then slipped into a deeper sleep.
I breathed a slight sigh of relief. I was glad I hadn’t woken her. The sooner she woke, the sooner she would ask me to leave, I was certain. What other reason could there be for her reluctance, besides the fact she moved on?
I was so selfish. The amount of pain I had caused and I still didn’t want to let her go.
I was a monster.
A shudder wracked my entire body. The monster I had fought against for madami than seventy years had broken through, just in a way I hadn’t expected.
I got up and turned abruptly, facing the wall. If I could have cried, my eyes would be wet with tears.
Facing the wall, a deep ache centred in my chest stopped me from breathing. I knew there was only one way to make it stop.
I turned slowly, an internal battle raging. In the end desire won over disgust, and one look at her unbelievably gorgeous face had me moving closer.
I stopped a foot from her bed, just watching her face. Her hair cascaded around her face, a mahogany river. She was so heartbreakingly beautiful.
Unconsciously, I moved closer, absorbed in every little detail.
My thoughts were so chaotic, I barely recognised them, but the revulsion was always there reminding me of what I had done.
I closed my eyes and breathed in, enjoying her scent, not longing for it. Her steady heartbeat filled my head and I felt better, enough to organise my thoughts.
I sat, breathing in her scent, listening to her heart, thinking things through, what I would say when she woke.
I was still listening to her puso when its steady rhythm became faster. My eyes snapped open and I took in her face in a second.
It wasn’t hard to see what expression now filled her features. Fear. I had seen it so much over the past 24 hours in her eyes, her stance, and her voice.
“No...Please, don’t.” The pain was so clear in her voice, and her hand on tuktok of the covers opened, a wordless plea.
“Hush, Bella, love. Hush. I’m here.” I whispered, moving in closer to talk into her ear. Her puso rate slowed, but the fear was still clear on her face.
I moved onto the bed, the same position as before, my arms wrapped securely around her, whispering comfortingly in her ear.
She needed me so I wouldn’t leave. But I was sure that when she woke it would be another matter entirely. Only time would tell.
*****                 *****

not the longest i've ever done but i hope you enjoy none the less! :)