This is a little paglalarawan of what I think Sam was doing and feeling in the episode 4x01 Lazarus Rising, just before Dean and Bobby arrived on the scene, and then just after, with the brother’s reunion as well. Enjoy!
As I tightened my grip on Ruby’s wrist, I felt the familiar liquid slide down my throat and beat, almost like a segundo pulse, inside of me. The madami I sucked in, the madami power seemed to flow through me, like an electric charge. Yes, that was definitely the right word; electrifying. Scary as hell, yet exhilarating at the same time. I swallowed and breathed heavily, my hands unwillingly knowing that I had to let go; as always, it seemed too soon. I withdrew from Ruby, who smiled, and took a cloth from beside her to balutin around her arm. She wound it round and tied it tightly, easing the flow of blood. I got up, and sat susunod to her on the bed, wiping my mouth, once again realising just a minuto too late that I was ashamed of what I had done. I held my hands together and looked down at my lap, avoiding Ruby’s gaze at all costs. Ruby sensed what I was feeling and her eyes began to bore into me; sympathetic, yet understanding simultaneously.
“Sammy, it’s ok, you’re fine.”
I shook my head, pushing away her soothing words. It was times like this when the only person I longed for to advise and comfort was Dean. But he’s gone, the voice inside my head reminded me bitterly. I felt a lump rise in my throat even at the thought of my brother, and also a strong surge of hate from deep within me, for Lillith. I would find her, I convinced myself, as I did so often these days. I would make her pay for what she did.
And this was the only way to do it. Without Ruby or the blood, my quest to find Lillith and kill her was meaningless, in vain. As much as I hated doing it, and every inch of my body screamed at me to stop, there was always a part of me that felt in control...ready to face anything. Even her.
“I know,” I replied, “it just feels so...wrong sometimes.”
“It’s the only way we’re going to get that asong babae and you know it,” Ruby said, “if you want to get this done, you have to do this.”
I nodded, so easily defeated sa pamamagitan ng Ruby’s seemingly flawless words. I ran a hand through my hair and looked at Ruby for the first time since I’d finished doing it.
My concentration and look of affection for Ruby was replaced almost instantly when a sharp rap on the door made both of us start. Ruby looked at me expectantly, then understood and nodded as she got up to answer the door. I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone today; only Ruby was allowed in through the walls I’d put up around me the last four months. It wasn’t long before I heard Ruby talking from the room susunod door.
“So where is it?”
He couldn’t hear a reply. I slowly got up from the kama and looked in the pader mirror to make sure I looked presentable. Not that that word mattered much anymore. I studied my reflection. My face was full of colour again, and I not only felt stronger, but looked stronger as the demon blood started to take effect. Or maybe I was imagining the whole thing. I didn’t really care too much nowadays. I walked to the main lounge of the motel room where the front door was.
“The pizza? That takes two of you guys to deliver?”
“What –?” I started to speak, but the words got caught in my throat. Because I couldn’t be seeing this. Not now. Not after all this time. In the doorway, apparently real and not a hallucination, stood Bobby. But he wasn’t the one I was staring at. susunod to Bobby stood Dean. I blinked but the impossible image I’d longed for all these months would not go away.
I looked from Bobby to Dean and back again.
“Hey, Sammy.”
I drew back as they both walked in through the doorway, then grabbed Ruby’s kutsilyo from the tableside behind me and lunged towards Dean. Because it couldn’t be him. It wasn’t plausible. Dean dodged out the way and Bobby came at me from behind and tried to restrain me as I did my best to attack the imposter in front of me. As I struggled even harder to throw myself at Dean, Bobby attempted to put some reason into the situation whilst holding me back all the while.
“Sam, I’ve been through this before, it’s him, it’s really him!”
I shook my head and muttered “no”, mostly to myself, admittedly, then gradually stopped struggling and began to relax as Bobby loosened his grip. If Bobby had tested it out, it would have to have been a pretty good liar or demon or whatever to hoodwink him. I let the kutsilyo clatter to the ground as I stepped towards my brother and Bobby released me completely.
“Wait –” I tried to form a sentence, but it was apparently beyond my abilities at that moment; nothing in my head agreed with the sight I was seeing before me. But it seemed Dean knew what I was going to say anyway.
“I know,” Dean said, acknowledging my shock. He tried to smile and lighten the situation a little, just like he always used to. “I look fantastic, huh?”
I strode pasulong and grabbed Dean in a fierce embrace, and he hugged me tightly back. Feeling the warmth of his body and the beat in his puso against mine, I knew it was really him. The brother I had looked up to and Nawawala was here, with me, again. Affection like no other I’d ever experienced rushed through me. The one thing that I had worked so hard to forget and push to the background for the last four months was suddenly back with me, and all was well again.
Maybe life was worth living now after all.
As I tightened my grip on Ruby’s wrist, I felt the familiar liquid slide down my throat and beat, almost like a segundo pulse, inside of me. The madami I sucked in, the madami power seemed to flow through me, like an electric charge. Yes, that was definitely the right word; electrifying. Scary as hell, yet exhilarating at the same time. I swallowed and breathed heavily, my hands unwillingly knowing that I had to let go; as always, it seemed too soon. I withdrew from Ruby, who smiled, and took a cloth from beside her to balutin around her arm. She wound it round and tied it tightly, easing the flow of blood. I got up, and sat susunod to her on the bed, wiping my mouth, once again realising just a minuto too late that I was ashamed of what I had done. I held my hands together and looked down at my lap, avoiding Ruby’s gaze at all costs. Ruby sensed what I was feeling and her eyes began to bore into me; sympathetic, yet understanding simultaneously.
“Sammy, it’s ok, you’re fine.”
I shook my head, pushing away her soothing words. It was times like this when the only person I longed for to advise and comfort was Dean. But he’s gone, the voice inside my head reminded me bitterly. I felt a lump rise in my throat even at the thought of my brother, and also a strong surge of hate from deep within me, for Lillith. I would find her, I convinced myself, as I did so often these days. I would make her pay for what she did.
And this was the only way to do it. Without Ruby or the blood, my quest to find Lillith and kill her was meaningless, in vain. As much as I hated doing it, and every inch of my body screamed at me to stop, there was always a part of me that felt in control...ready to face anything. Even her.
“I know,” I replied, “it just feels so...wrong sometimes.”
“It’s the only way we’re going to get that asong babae and you know it,” Ruby said, “if you want to get this done, you have to do this.”
I nodded, so easily defeated sa pamamagitan ng Ruby’s seemingly flawless words. I ran a hand through my hair and looked at Ruby for the first time since I’d finished doing it.
My concentration and look of affection for Ruby was replaced almost instantly when a sharp rap on the door made both of us start. Ruby looked at me expectantly, then understood and nodded as she got up to answer the door. I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone today; only Ruby was allowed in through the walls I’d put up around me the last four months. It wasn’t long before I heard Ruby talking from the room susunod door.
“So where is it?”
He couldn’t hear a reply. I slowly got up from the kama and looked in the pader mirror to make sure I looked presentable. Not that that word mattered much anymore. I studied my reflection. My face was full of colour again, and I not only felt stronger, but looked stronger as the demon blood started to take effect. Or maybe I was imagining the whole thing. I didn’t really care too much nowadays. I walked to the main lounge of the motel room where the front door was.
“The pizza? That takes two of you guys to deliver?”
“What –?” I started to speak, but the words got caught in my throat. Because I couldn’t be seeing this. Not now. Not after all this time. In the doorway, apparently real and not a hallucination, stood Bobby. But he wasn’t the one I was staring at. susunod to Bobby stood Dean. I blinked but the impossible image I’d longed for all these months would not go away.
I looked from Bobby to Dean and back again.
“Hey, Sammy.”
I drew back as they both walked in through the doorway, then grabbed Ruby’s kutsilyo from the tableside behind me and lunged towards Dean. Because it couldn’t be him. It wasn’t plausible. Dean dodged out the way and Bobby came at me from behind and tried to restrain me as I did my best to attack the imposter in front of me. As I struggled even harder to throw myself at Dean, Bobby attempted to put some reason into the situation whilst holding me back all the while.
“Sam, I’ve been through this before, it’s him, it’s really him!”
I shook my head and muttered “no”, mostly to myself, admittedly, then gradually stopped struggling and began to relax as Bobby loosened his grip. If Bobby had tested it out, it would have to have been a pretty good liar or demon or whatever to hoodwink him. I let the kutsilyo clatter to the ground as I stepped towards my brother and Bobby released me completely.
“Wait –” I tried to form a sentence, but it was apparently beyond my abilities at that moment; nothing in my head agreed with the sight I was seeing before me. But it seemed Dean knew what I was going to say anyway.
“I know,” Dean said, acknowledging my shock. He tried to smile and lighten the situation a little, just like he always used to. “I look fantastic, huh?”
I strode pasulong and grabbed Dean in a fierce embrace, and he hugged me tightly back. Feeling the warmth of his body and the beat in his puso against mine, I knew it was really him. The brother I had looked up to and Nawawala was here, with me, again. Affection like no other I’d ever experienced rushed through me. The one thing that I had worked so hard to forget and push to the background for the last four months was suddenly back with me, and all was well again.
Maybe life was worth living now after all.
