walang tiyak na layunin Article: Amnesia part 2:thoughts

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posted by Insane4ever

Heres the 2nd part of my story,again sorry for misspells and if you missed my 1st part of the story just click on "read madami artikulo sa pamamagitan ng insane4ever" or how ever,its under the article...

You have alredy met our guy right???that lonely guy wakeing up in the middle of the desert without any memories.
After turning around a few times he choses a direction again and starts walking,its getting dark,whitch means its getting cold,he is becomeing woried becouse at night its often veary cold in deserts.he starts running,trying to find anything,any kind of shelter.after 10 minutos he finally finds some big hole in the ground that could be used like a shelter till the morning.he gets into the hole and starts thinking about who he might be,how did he get there,what is going on,soon he falls a sleep.
While sleeping he starts dreaming,remembering!!!in the dream he sees a women,a blonde haired women in her middle 20 kinda like him.her eyes are green and she looks beutifull if you ask me.is she his friend,girlfriend or maybe perhaps wife.....he doesnt know him self yet.suddenly something wakes him,a butiki chewing on his finger.without thinking he grabs the butiki and eats him alive,yes it might be discusting,but you would do it to if you were starwing.it was alredy morning sa pamamagitan ng the way.so the man climbed out of the hole,and started walking into nothingness again.where he is going,you might find out soon....

Thnx for reading!!!!!

deathding and teamalecdemetri like this

psychopath why the girl has to be blonde with green eyes?

Insane4ever I just wanna be specific....i picked it randomly......

ScottishChic Again, I say, the idea is great but it could be developed. Like, once again, I find it very jumpy, you could add in other things, like his struggle to remember who he was, the pounding of his brain against the inside of his skull giving him a painful headache. Something like that. Please, proof read your work. I know you probably don't want to after writing it, I know I never ever do, but it's necessary to be a good author, even the famous ones have to proof read their work (or maybe they have people do that for them? Huh.) Also, work on proper punctuation. Like remember CAPS after a full stop. And try using a lists, and ":" and ";" for explanations. Only use ... (elipsis) when completely necessary, like when "the guy" is struggling to remember something, or is pausing but not through every sentence. Remember, sometimes you need long and short sentences. I'm a little confused about the layout or context, I should say. "you've already met our guy, right?" It sounds like you're narrating (telling the story to us) AS the story is going on ... did that make sense? I personally, don't think you should do that but instead pick one; either, you tell us the story like you were reading to a child from a book, or you write it as though your guy is living through this right now. I don't know why, but you repeat "hole" a lot, and it sounds a little childish, maybe it's because it's like blah, blah, hole, blah, hole, blah, blah, blah, blah, hole. Like, you need to spread it out a little more, or instead, say something like, "he climbed out of his safebed, hideout," something other than just a hole. Sorry, please do not be offended. These are just my personal thoughts. But I really do like the idea behind the story. Good luck with edits and chapter 3!!! :)

Insane4ever I made this before u commented on the other one....i was still "the begginer" xD