Okay, first thing's first. Determine whether or not you are actually in a horror movie. Let's weigh the factors:
* You are, most likely, a bored teenager with nothing to do.
* You are, most likely, considerably worthless to society.
* You are, most likely, an idiot.
* You have, most likely, attracted the attention of a maniac in the past 24 hours.
* You, for no reason in particular, are looking up hints on how to survive in a horror movie.
-----
The following rules apply universally to nearly all horror movies. Print them out and keep them in your wallet. Glance at them every five minutos or so. Memorize them, and murmur them incessantly.
1. No sex. At all. To be safe, no masturbation either, and do not get naked. Trust me. You do not want to get killed when you are naked.
2. No drugs or alcohol.
3. Never go out to investigate strange noises.
4. Never split up when you are in a large group.
5. Never say, "I'll be right back," because you won't.
6. Never watch a horror movie while you are in a horror movie.
7. Remember that dark alleys and basements are under no circumstances "safe zones". Also, since no one is ever lucky in horror movies, seven is not a lucky number.
8. Neither mock nor laugh at death or monsters. They hear all and will take vengeance.
9. Immediately run if you hear any of the following phrases: "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Here's Johnny," "I see dead people," "Let Hesus fuck you," "Thinner," "A census taker once tried to test me," or, "I wanna play a game". "Heavy breathing through a mask that can be highly seen in heavily dark areas."
10. If your car just happens to stall while near an old mansion in the rain in a rural area, it was probably planned.
11. Trust madness combat style shoop da whoop.
12. Don't take a shower, because some whacko will probably be right there waiting. (The perv!)
13. FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
14. Just stay away from summer camp.
15. Strange noises are never "just the cat". For the pag-ibig of God, you don't even own a cat!
16. Avoid plaid shirts like mad.
17. Zombies take advantage of falling. Pay attention to the ground at all times.
18. Pay attention to the crazy old guy, town drunk or scientist. They all have useful advice.
19. Screaming acts as a magnet for the mentally unstable.
20. Curses do not have a "sell by" date. Being on an ancient Indian graveyard will not help this.
21. Stick to a location near other people. Ever wondered why maniacs target log cabins?
22. Someone has escaped from the local prison? You might wanna tune into that report.
23. If you anger a gypsy, make it your number one priority to make peace immediately.
24. As a rule of thumb, any place other than your house is not safe.
25. Come to think of it, your house isn't too safe, either. Try building a panic room.
26. Oh, wait, never mind.
27. MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!
28. When a scary ventriloquist dummy turns up in the mail, don't leave it in your room, get the hell out of your house!
29. Easygoing nice guys with monosyllabic first names, their girlfriends, and children all automatically win in the end.
30. In contrast, slutty goth bitches, fat deputies, and jocks never do.
31. If you are lucky enough to, oh, say, knock out a madman with a shovel -- for the pag-ibig of God don't drop the shovel and run away. You STAY there and BEAT HIS asno DEAD WITH THAT SHOVEL.
32. Listen to the audience; they are way smarter than you will ever be.
33. Go for the eyes. Psycho killers are unnerved when you kick them in the groin, unless they're pussies.
34. Do not take this so called "shortcut".
35. If you do, take a close look at the bloody cars in the pit and keep a gun in your pocket.
36. And play this where there is killing (sorry I Nawawala the link...). Having jib dance during the kills make It cooler. and, it will cause the killer to go, WTF? It would be hilarious if someboy raped their friend to the music.
37. The police are useless and will distract you. Throw a donut off a cliff to get rid of these pests, make sure you get their mga baril first.
38. If you are in a forest with wood stick figures, you're screwed. Might as well kill yourself.
39. If a little kid tells you that he saw a ghost or a scary man, BELIEVE HIM!!!
40. Pay attention to musical cues.
41. ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!!
42. If you're black, you will have the best advice, but you will become the scapegoat and die first anyway.
43. On the plus side, you get to say "motherfucker" a lot while you're still around.
44. Watch out for twist endings.
45. HOLY SHIT, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!
46. Ha! Gotcha.
47. If the killer has a mask of some kind, tear it off. Somehow this has a greater priority over killing them.
48. Say "fuck" a lot. It helps build tension. #awsome if ur in a horror movie with a phycho killer then he probably knows were u live so stay in ur room with a lot of shot mga baril and when he comes in don't just starr at him and scream like a pussy BLOW HIS MOTHER FUCKING BRAINS OUT
49. Above all, just use your basic common sense.
50. Oh, wait . . .
51. Don't scream or your asno is cooked.
52. Huge boobs spell death.
53. Since the audience won't care enough to remember your name anyway, consider name tags.
54. YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
55. Do not fall asleep. Ever.
56. Consider the possibility that you've been dead since the movie began.
57. Or maybe you are the killer!
58. If an item has "evil"/"demonic"/"cursed"/etc in its name/description, this is NOT your cue to start playing with it.
59. The nakaraan rule goes DOUBLE for any sort of "Puzzle box", especially one that is sinabi to open up a portal to Hell.
60. Never trust a wish-granting device/person in a horror movie; either the wish will come true with some horrible, ironic twist, or it will exact a terrible price (e.g. your SOUL, your kidneys, your genitals, all three, etc.)
61. The full moon is not a good time to go out and "watch the stars in the country".
62. Stay out of phone booths,with the exception of jib clones dancing outside.
63. Be extra extra careful in any movie subtitled "The Final Chapter"; they'll try to squeeze in a higher body count.
64.Don't tell people the rules! Just let them die and get the fuck away from Ghostface, Randy, you bitch!
65. If you happen to be Paris Hilton, run around in circles out in an open field, yelling, "Oh, someone save me!" This way the killer can go after your retarded ass, buying time for everyone else. Why? 'Cause most of the world considers you a bloody waste of oxygen, slut.
66. All things considered, wouldn't you really be doing the world a favor sa pamamagitan ng dying, anyway?
67. HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH??? HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH???
68. Never hide around the corner. The killer can still see the camera pointing at you.
69. If you have a gun and see something mutating, do not stare, SHOOT IT!
70. If you kill one small creepy slug/spider/incect thingy, it will have either lots of mga kaibigan or a big mama near sa pamamagitan ng to kill you.
71. Make sure to wear contacts, glasses will fall off the worst of times.
72. Fog and night is your worst enemy, so stay in the sun as long as possible.
73. Always have someone sit in the back upuan of your car, so that the evil ghost chasing you will not appear their, and tell you if there is the murderer in the car.
74. Lure aliens somewhere else with food. Failing food, throw an unliked member of your party in front of them and run. Failing an unliked member of your party, convince the alien to go vegan.
75. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
76. Shit, how many times are you gonna fall for that?
77. If your TV/Computer/PSP is cursed and a ghost is coming through, turning it off will not stop it, nor unplugging. Just wait until it's partial out of screen, then beat a crap out of it.
78. Didn't we already cover that? Ah who cares...
79. Do not watch any bidyo that your mga kaibigan beg you to watch, it is cursed.
80. OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!
81. If the orchestral score starts to rise in any way, watch your back.
82. If a place looks old and haunted, it definitely is.
83. Never talk to clowns in sewers.
84. Do not run, you will trip, break your leg, and the villain will catch you, the slasher knows you will, that is why they never push themselves.
85. God nor his men cannot help you, never.
86. On the other hand, his zealots can burn you on stake.
87. Other kind of gods are very active however, especially those that demand human sacrification.
88. After killing the monster, stab it a couple times madami just to make sure it's dead.
89. Avoid picking up hitchikers. At all costs.
90. After someone says "Look behind you!" and is just teasing you, when they say it again, be sure to run as fast as you can. Do not say the words "I'm not falling for that stupid trick one madami time" or any variation on those words.
91. Always say the Ezekiel 25:17 when someone gets killed. That way, when he tries to kill again, he'll miss the victim.It's called " Divine Intervention"(btw....D.I. is an invention of Samuel L.Jackson).
92. Always have a dog with you.
93. If the dog goes towards the dark, and than you hear him squeal, RUN!
94. IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!
95. Never try to be funny. Ever.
96. Don't scream AAAAAAAA! once every ten seconds.
97. If You Are In The Armory, The Clay Guy Will Challenge You,Don't Scream,JUST FIGHT!If He Catches Up To You, Farewell, Amigo.
98. Bonus:Use A Butcher kutsilyo On Him,The He Will Die.
99. Don't be a hero
100. Shoot at all cost, Don't rethink
101. Stay away from creepy kids, they are creepy for a reason (remain close to cute kids though).
102. Bring a slow friend
103. Never answer the phone.
104. But the most important rule...the single most sacred, that you most follow at all cost in order to SURVIVE, is to never, NEVER, EVER, look up a 'how to survive list' because surely you will get killed.
* You are, most likely, a bored teenager with nothing to do.
* You are, most likely, considerably worthless to society.
* You are, most likely, an idiot.
* You have, most likely, attracted the attention of a maniac in the past 24 hours.
* You, for no reason in particular, are looking up hints on how to survive in a horror movie.
-----
The following rules apply universally to nearly all horror movies. Print them out and keep them in your wallet. Glance at them every five minutos or so. Memorize them, and murmur them incessantly.
1. No sex. At all. To be safe, no masturbation either, and do not get naked. Trust me. You do not want to get killed when you are naked.
2. No drugs or alcohol.
3. Never go out to investigate strange noises.
4. Never split up when you are in a large group.
5. Never say, "I'll be right back," because you won't.
6. Never watch a horror movie while you are in a horror movie.
7. Remember that dark alleys and basements are under no circumstances "safe zones". Also, since no one is ever lucky in horror movies, seven is not a lucky number.
8. Neither mock nor laugh at death or monsters. They hear all and will take vengeance.
9. Immediately run if you hear any of the following phrases: "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Here's Johnny," "I see dead people," "Let Hesus fuck you," "Thinner," "A census taker once tried to test me," or, "I wanna play a game". "Heavy breathing through a mask that can be highly seen in heavily dark areas."
10. If your car just happens to stall while near an old mansion in the rain in a rural area, it was probably planned.
11. Trust madness combat style shoop da whoop.
12. Don't take a shower, because some whacko will probably be right there waiting. (The perv!)
13. FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
14. Just stay away from summer camp.
15. Strange noises are never "just the cat". For the pag-ibig of God, you don't even own a cat!
16. Avoid plaid shirts like mad.
17. Zombies take advantage of falling. Pay attention to the ground at all times.
18. Pay attention to the crazy old guy, town drunk or scientist. They all have useful advice.
19. Screaming acts as a magnet for the mentally unstable.
20. Curses do not have a "sell by" date. Being on an ancient Indian graveyard will not help this.
21. Stick to a location near other people. Ever wondered why maniacs target log cabins?
22. Someone has escaped from the local prison? You might wanna tune into that report.
23. If you anger a gypsy, make it your number one priority to make peace immediately.
24. As a rule of thumb, any place other than your house is not safe.
25. Come to think of it, your house isn't too safe, either. Try building a panic room.
26. Oh, wait, never mind.
27. MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!
28. When a scary ventriloquist dummy turns up in the mail, don't leave it in your room, get the hell out of your house!
29. Easygoing nice guys with monosyllabic first names, their girlfriends, and children all automatically win in the end.
30. In contrast, slutty goth bitches, fat deputies, and jocks never do.
31. If you are lucky enough to, oh, say, knock out a madman with a shovel -- for the pag-ibig of God don't drop the shovel and run away. You STAY there and BEAT HIS asno DEAD WITH THAT SHOVEL.
32. Listen to the audience; they are way smarter than you will ever be.
33. Go for the eyes. Psycho killers are unnerved when you kick them in the groin, unless they're pussies.
34. Do not take this so called "shortcut".
35. If you do, take a close look at the bloody cars in the pit and keep a gun in your pocket.
36. And play this where there is killing (sorry I Nawawala the link...). Having jib dance during the kills make It cooler. and, it will cause the killer to go, WTF? It would be hilarious if someboy raped their friend to the music.
37. The police are useless and will distract you. Throw a donut off a cliff to get rid of these pests, make sure you get their mga baril first.
38. If you are in a forest with wood stick figures, you're screwed. Might as well kill yourself.
39. If a little kid tells you that he saw a ghost or a scary man, BELIEVE HIM!!!
40. Pay attention to musical cues.
41. ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER! ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!!!
42. If you're black, you will have the best advice, but you will become the scapegoat and die first anyway.
43. On the plus side, you get to say "motherfucker" a lot while you're still around.
44. Watch out for twist endings.
45. HOLY SHIT, LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!
46. Ha! Gotcha.
47. If the killer has a mask of some kind, tear it off. Somehow this has a greater priority over killing them.
48. Say "fuck" a lot. It helps build tension. #awsome if ur in a horror movie with a phycho killer then he probably knows were u live so stay in ur room with a lot of shot mga baril and when he comes in don't just starr at him and scream like a pussy BLOW HIS MOTHER FUCKING BRAINS OUT
49. Above all, just use your basic common sense.
50. Oh, wait . . .
51. Don't scream or your asno is cooked.
52. Huge boobs spell death.
53. Since the audience won't care enough to remember your name anyway, consider name tags.
54. YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!! YET ANOTHER MULTIPLE OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER!!!
55. Do not fall asleep. Ever.
56. Consider the possibility that you've been dead since the movie began.
57. Or maybe you are the killer!
58. If an item has "evil"/"demonic"/"cursed"/etc in its name/description, this is NOT your cue to start playing with it.
59. The nakaraan rule goes DOUBLE for any sort of "Puzzle box", especially one that is sinabi to open up a portal to Hell.
60. Never trust a wish-granting device/person in a horror movie; either the wish will come true with some horrible, ironic twist, or it will exact a terrible price (e.g. your SOUL, your kidneys, your genitals, all three, etc.)
61. The full moon is not a good time to go out and "watch the stars in the country".
62. Stay out of phone booths,with the exception of jib clones dancing outside.
63. Be extra extra careful in any movie subtitled "The Final Chapter"; they'll try to squeeze in a higher body count.
64.Don't tell people the rules! Just let them die and get the fuck away from Ghostface, Randy, you bitch!
65. If you happen to be Paris Hilton, run around in circles out in an open field, yelling, "Oh, someone save me!" This way the killer can go after your retarded ass, buying time for everyone else. Why? 'Cause most of the world considers you a bloody waste of oxygen, slut.
66. All things considered, wouldn't you really be doing the world a favor sa pamamagitan ng dying, anyway?
67. HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH??? HOW MANY MULTIPLES OF FORBIDDEN NUMBER WILL WE GO THROUGH???
68. Never hide around the corner. The killer can still see the camera pointing at you.
69. If you have a gun and see something mutating, do not stare, SHOOT IT!
70. If you kill one small creepy slug/spider/incect thingy, it will have either lots of mga kaibigan or a big mama near sa pamamagitan ng to kill you.
71. Make sure to wear contacts, glasses will fall off the worst of times.
72. Fog and night is your worst enemy, so stay in the sun as long as possible.
73. Always have someone sit in the back upuan of your car, so that the evil ghost chasing you will not appear their, and tell you if there is the murderer in the car.
74. Lure aliens somewhere else with food. Failing food, throw an unliked member of your party in front of them and run. Failing an unliked member of your party, convince the alien to go vegan.
75. OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
76. Shit, how many times are you gonna fall for that?
77. If your TV/Computer/PSP is cursed and a ghost is coming through, turning it off will not stop it, nor unplugging. Just wait until it's partial out of screen, then beat a crap out of it.
78. Didn't we already cover that? Ah who cares...
79. Do not watch any bidyo that your mga kaibigan beg you to watch, it is cursed.
80. OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!OKAY THIS IS GETTING OLD!!!!!
81. If the orchestral score starts to rise in any way, watch your back.
82. If a place looks old and haunted, it definitely is.
83. Never talk to clowns in sewers.
84. Do not run, you will trip, break your leg, and the villain will catch you, the slasher knows you will, that is why they never push themselves.
85. God nor his men cannot help you, never.
86. On the other hand, his zealots can burn you on stake.
87. Other kind of gods are very active however, especially those that demand human sacrification.
88. After killing the monster, stab it a couple times madami just to make sure it's dead.
89. Avoid picking up hitchikers. At all costs.
90. After someone says "Look behind you!" and is just teasing you, when they say it again, be sure to run as fast as you can. Do not say the words "I'm not falling for that stupid trick one madami time" or any variation on those words.
91. Always say the Ezekiel 25:17 when someone gets killed. That way, when he tries to kill again, he'll miss the victim.It's called " Divine Intervention"(btw....D.I. is an invention of Samuel L.Jackson).
92. Always have a dog with you.
93. If the dog goes towards the dark, and than you hear him squeal, RUN!
94. IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!
95. Never try to be funny. Ever.
96. Don't scream AAAAAAAA! once every ten seconds.
97. If You Are In The Armory, The Clay Guy Will Challenge You,Don't Scream,JUST FIGHT!If He Catches Up To You, Farewell, Amigo.
98. Bonus:Use A Butcher kutsilyo On Him,The He Will Die.
99. Don't be a hero
100. Shoot at all cost, Don't rethink
101. Stay away from creepy kids, they are creepy for a reason (remain close to cute kids though).
102. Bring a slow friend
103. Never answer the phone.
104. But the most important rule...the single most sacred, that you most follow at all cost in order to SURVIVE, is to never, NEVER, EVER, look up a 'how to survive list' because surely you will get killed.
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